Deep Calls To Deep...

Doing A Little Thinking....

2005-07-11T01:56:00.000-04:00

So this may not come as anything revolutionary for those of you who will read this.... And as I've started prefacing with people I speak with in person, this train of thought has not been fully thought out yet. It's beginnings of being thought out will start right here, right now.

I was just reading about fear and self-preservation and the Christian in another site, and a comment on there started my thought process. It's not just about getting to heaven. Like our end all goal as a Christian is not just to get to heaven.... It can't be "me" focused. It's to be with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and the saints. It's relational in nature. It ahs to do with others. Everything I do in life should be influenced by that relationship. It's not about not going to hell. Or at least not just about. And I guess that's where fear comes in. Am I being motivated simply from a fear of living in torture the rest of my life, or am I being motivated out of a loving relationship with My Saviour and Creator? And do I care? I've not set foot in my church for a service in awhile.... Are these petty issues I need to get over or is it truly time to look for a new church...? What is my motivation? I will not find a perfect anything here on earth.... Time for bed....

A Night of Wacko Quizzes

2005-07-09T03:13:00.000-04:00

Strangely funny....

You Were Actually Born Under:

Resourceful and practical, you are a quick thinker.
You are very observant - and it's hard to get anything past you!
A total perfectionist, you are especially picky about looking your best.
You're a big dreamer - such a big dreamer that reality can disappoint you.

You are most compatible with an Ox or Snake.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.
However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are!
Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk.
You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good mood!

You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.

What Year Were You Born Under?

Waiting for a Break from My Hormones

2005-07-09T01:21:00.000-04:00

I've really been messed up lately.... My emotions / hormones have been worse then I remember. I've not cried or gotten upset over things as much as I have lately in a long time. I don't know if it's merely burn-out at work or what.... A lot of my friends are getting married, seriously dating/ engaged, or getting ready to have kids.... But I don't think that's it.... I just want to know what the heck to do with my life, and I want to find a job that I absolutely love and am good at.

I just wrote in my friends graduation book.... It was weird cause I read what I had written six years ago when he graduated from highschool and here we are with him graduating from college and getting ready to go out of the country for a few months and then who knows what.... It's the "who knows what" after he gets back that gets to me. Another of my friends is leaving the state again this fall for several months. He could very well do the same.... He could end up being famous and everybody would know who he is.... And that would be great.... And yet I don't want him to go. But who knows if he will.... Yeah I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

I get to cut back hours at work very soon. They hired (at my request) a new full-time front desk person. This way I can concentrate on my photography and take some classes at college. For right now, that'll work.

And as odd as it may sound, I wish I had been over in London when everything was happening. Not in a sadistic "I wish I was dead" sort of way, but I wish I could've been there to help in some capacity....

I can't wait for my vacation at the end of July!!!

What Am I Doing...?

2005-07-05T01:05:00.000-04:00

Okay so I almost didn't go see fireworks tonight.... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am on the verge of becoming an old hermit that would rather stay at home then go out.... Well okay so that's not totally true, but it comes close on certain days. I was so glad my friend called and asked me to come (guilt tripped me to a degree but he's good at that and he knows it works). He's getting ready to leave the country for awhile (that is until around the end of August).... Most of the rest of the summer will be gone by the time he gets back which will suck and neither of us are really certain on where our futures are heading. It all kinda sucks cause we're some of the very last singles in our group of friends, well from our church (which is more his church now). Yeah I'm kind of unrealistically sappy at the moment. Anyway, it was fun to play with his new digital camera and sit there watching the fireworks and walking back to his house where I had parked. Man do I miss the old days in some ways.... And yet in many ways I wouldn't go back for the world.

The ONE Campaign and Me

2005-07-03T00:16:00.000-04:00

So there's a lot of buzz about The ONE Campaign, the Live 8 concerts and so on and so forth. I'm glad; I also need to learn more about the ins and outs of this campaign....

However, I think more than asking for the government to give money which seems like a cop out ( and hopefully my friend will respond to this with his insight on the government and why we shouldn't be relying on them to contribute ), we should be giving ONE percent of our earnings and taking at least ONE minute out of our day to think about and pray for those who are needy, poor, deathly ill, etc. Instead of eating that meal out, renting that one movie, buying that shirt (blush, nail polish, baseball card, latest video game, cd, cigarettes, cologne, etc) we really don't need, we should be contributing that money to reputable sources to help those in need. We should also seek out those in our own countries/ states, cities, towns, and neighborhoods who we can help.

Are we really so lazy or just plain too comfortable to help? Must we rely on something else (the government)? We contribute tax dollars, some might argue (I'm not sure), why then should we have to give from our own pockets? What is really going to affect you more? That which hits harder home to you, that which gets you out of your comfort zone, that is what you will remember.

So now my question to myself, after writing this, is what am I going to do to make a difference? I have one week to come up with my own answer. It's time for me to stop living such a self-centered life:

James 1: 27
New King James and New Living Translation
Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. / Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us.

A few more thoughts:

Will the money really go to help the people in need or will it go to corrupt officials?

Will we try to Americanize them? Or will they be allowed to keep their culture (though isn't this happening anyway to some degree or another through entertainment and business)?

This humored me:

Your Birthdate: April 3

Being born on the 3rd day of the month is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.

The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.

There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude.

You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.

Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.

You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.

You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.

You are affectionate and loving, but sometimes too sensitive.

You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Of Back Country Roads

2005-06-04T23:06:00.000-04:00

The past few days, I've been trying to take different back roads home whenever I am out. There's something to say for the cooler (though still warm) evening air, a gorgeous sunset and the beauty of the back country road. Tonight as I drove down one particular road, the sun was setting and off to the right was the first hot air balloon of the summer. The first night I began my explorations, I took the time to drive through some of the most gorgeous new housing developments. Just yesterday I drove past a house I wouldn't mind having. It had a round front room with porch on the right and a turret on the left. That was all I could really see as I passed, but that's enough for me. Though, in all honesty, moving down South still has a certain appeal. I'd have to find a job or college or something.... Well I should get going, however, I plan on doing some more back road exploring in the days ahead, though this time with my camera. Maybe I'll post some pics.

Ciao

This Isn't Me.... Quotes for the Road Ahead

2005-05-28T23:51:00.000-04:00

Charlotte: You have done nothing to be ashamed of.
Benjamin Martin: I have done nothing. And for that I am ashamed.
~ The Patriot

I watched The Patriot tonight and it really got me thinking....

"We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live"
~ Switchfoot

Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion
~ Author: G. W. F. Hegel

So just what is my passion?

To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe.
Author: Anatole

Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tried.
Author: William Shakespeare

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...
Author: George Carlin

One today is worth two tomorrows.
Author: Benjamin Franklin

How many todays have I wasted?

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 'Gift From the Sea'

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If what you're working for really matters, you'll give it all you've got.
--Nido Qubein

People prefer to follow those who help them, not those who intimidate them.
--C. Gene Wilkes

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.
--Harriet Braiker

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things.
--Frank A. Clark

How am I living my life now?

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.
--Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
--Erin Majors

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.
--Henry David Thoreau

Hope is the companion of power and the mother of success, For those of us who hope strongest have within us the gift of miracles.
--Sydney Bremer

When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.
--Leo Burnett

"For me, happiness came from prayer to a kindly God, faith in a kindly God, love for my fellow man, and doing the very best I could everyday of my life. I had looked for happiness in fast living, but it was not there. I tried to find it in money, but it was not there, either. But when I placed myself in tune with what I believed to be fundamental truths of life; when I began to develop my limited ability, to rid mind of all kinds of tangled thoughts and fill it with zeal and courage and love; when I gave myself a chance by treating myself decently and sensibly, I began to feel the stimulating, warm glow of happiness."
--Edward Young

Don't sacrifice your life to work and ideals. The most important things in life are human relations. I found that out too late.
--Katharinde Susannah Prichard Australian Author

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

Read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory.
--Benjamin Disraeli

You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough.
--Joe Lewis

Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.
--Auntie Mame, by Patrick Dennis

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
--Unknown

Its not whether you get knocked down. Its whether you get up again.
-Vince Lombardi

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

If you don't make mistakes, you aren't really trying.
-Coleman Hawking

Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
-Bananna

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon
-Unknown

If you only play a defensive game, it is impossible to win.
-Unknown

Don't Read This....

2005-05-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

If what I write here, get's old or you don't agree, don't write me. Just don't read. Find another site that satisfies your mind and let this sleeping dog sleep.

I need out of my job - chaos is too much. I know I keep saying it, but things improve long enough for me to retract my loathing....

I'm in such a weird mood. I got to shadow one of my coworker's today who I've also become friends with. It was really cool.... One of her new patients even allowed me to sit in on their evaluation. That was cool.... I think I could be a PTA.... Do I really want to....

I'm grumpy, tired of living in chaos, work, guys, where I live, being at home, being in debt, having to be careful with money, not being able to say no to people, .. need to run...it sucks having one computer in the hosue...everythign is irritating me....BLAH

Why do these lyrics hit me the way they do?

THE POSTAL SERVICE LYRICS
"Brand New Colony"
I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold
I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change

Of Horseback Riding, Grilling and Chilling

2005-05-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

Today was fun! I slept in and woke late only to have to rush out the door to meet friends of mine to go trailriding about an hour or so away from where we all live. It was actually quite enjoyable. I've been horseback riding before, but it's been several years. I really want to go more often.

The place was beautiful. We constantly were going up and down terrain. We even went through a river twice. If we hadn't had so many novices, we might have actually been able to gallop. That would've been fun. We did plenty of trotting. My butt will testify to that.

Afterwards we got snowballs and then went over the house of one of the girls to play volleyball, I sat with two others chatting. Then during the third round of volleyball, I took over the duty of grilling. That was fun, though I think I lost some arm and knuckle hair in the process. Not like I'm going to miss it or anything....

After dinner, we chatted for a bit and then watched "Down with Love". What a bizarre movie....

Currently I am tired, sore and overall feel fabulous, if that's possible. And if not... well I'm too tired to come up with anything smart to say. So off to bed with me. Ciao for now.

And Just for the Record

2005-05-13T02:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not ready for marriage just as of yet.... I really do want to know why I'm here... what I was created for. There's more to life than just getting married. That won't pay the bills.... I need to know who I am first... why God created me.... I want to contribute to other's lives.... I want to make a difference. Maybe that's selfish.... Though it's not like I've had any proposals or anything. It's really just been this week that all of a sudden it's like, "Um, no, marriage idea on hold. Who am I, and why am I here, and what am I to do...?". Purpose.... Dream.... Mission.... Oh duh! That's what I am suppose to do for our Bible Study. I am suppose to write out my mission statement. Perfect timing. Why don't I go spend time with God right now and start working on that. Perfect Sherlock... (now I'm talking to myself for all the world to read... time to get off of here). Night all.

How Weird Can Life Be?

2005-05-13T01:57:00.000-04:00

So one of my "matches" has the same name and same love for Apple Powerbooks that a guy I had been in a relationship in the past with did/does. It's nearly two in the morning so I'm not sure that exactly made sense....

I'm nearly half way through the first season of Friends. Never watched the series while it was on, but am catching up for all the lost time.... That's ususally how my life goes. Now I do not endorse the show. I don't think everyone should go out and watch it.... Funny thing is, everyone probably already has. Anyway, the theme song seems so fitting right now.... Sigh. I don't want to be cynical. I really don't. Life isn't awful... it just isn't what I imagined it'd be.... So what now...? Lord what have You gifted me for and ... oi the brain... all logical thought has died.... A little driving practice (golf) sounds good for tomorrow.... May I leave you all with these lyrics:

So no one told you life was gonna be this way. [four claps]
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year,

Chorus

I'll be there for you!
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you!
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

Verse 2

You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight,
You've burned your breakfast so far, things are going great,
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell when the world has brought you down to your knees.

Chorus

I'll be there for you Lyrics from Rembrants ("Friends" theme)

I think I need a little more time with You, Lord and with my friends.... Where to go and what to do...?

It's Been Awhile... Again

2005-05-11T21:41:00.000-04:00

Life has been getting in the way more often then not as of late in reference to this blog. Or to put it another way, I've been living more life then writing about it.

Before writing too much more, I want to take time to applaud Chase credit card on their new TV commercial. I think it's one of the most beautiful ones I've seen in awhile. It uses "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. If you ever run across it, don't turn the channel. Sit and watch it, then feel free to go channel surfing.

I was going to write some more, but my upset stomach and headache are getting the better of me. More later gators.

Healing Humor

2005-04-08T01:54:00.000-04:00

Well maybe the title is slightly misleading, but after much anger/ "upsetness" at work due to certain issues, the following few events helped me to laugh and lighten up.... If nothing else, it kept me from killing someone.

It started with our delivery guy, who I think is in his forties (groan). He just got back from vacation and he asked me at least three times if I missed him.... I don't think I'll ever try being friendly with delivery guys again.... Sigh, I was just trying to be nice.... He kept hanging around and stalling.... I feel bad and yet it was humorous.

Then, I had been calling up to our one office to talk a few things over with my mom.... Well just as I was talking with a cowowker about a coworker from my mom's office, the guy calls and is like, "I know you've been stopping by up here so much to see me and calling so much hoping I'll answer...." It sounds kind of arrogant but was really more joking/ flrty.... I was still shocked, though. I must have been five shades of deep red and refused to call up there when something else came up for fear he would answer - he did. If he says anything again, though I'll have to tease him right back.... Come to think of it, he's always teasing me and hanging around while I'm there. Laugh. He's cool. But me being single right now is probably best.

Then there's always the new guy who isn't really my type, but he's so good with patients and really has the cutest smile. Butterflies abound. But again, singleness is best and all of this makes me sound boy crazy.... In all reality it all just humors me greatly.... Everytime I think my life is boring, something like today happens which remins me that my life isn't quite as boring as I sometimes assume/ complain.

Today ended with meeting a close friends fiance. Funny thing is, I swear we've met before. He thinks so too.... He just seems really familiar.... But I totally approve. She had to take a phone call, so he and I had a chance to shoot the breeze. I like the guy. Yet agan, one of the few times I wish I did have someone I could go out with them to dinner (double date). All in time. God really has been blessing me with the ability to hang out with my friends who are married or engaged without it being weird. His grace is sufficicent for me!

Night all!

Finding Neverland

2005-04-07T01:35:00.000-04:00

I had the pleasure of viewing Finding Neverland with my sister. What a charming, heartwarming story. Not perfect, but a far cry from several other movies I've seen as of late. One I look forward to seeing which was previewed on this video is Dear Frankie.

Life is going well. I've come to be a bit more laid back and flexible.... Sensitivity could be cultivated more.... And I look tentatively forward to our most recent schedule change which leaves me working close to 4 ten hour days with Fridays off - something I've been hoping for for quite some time. This will take place beginning next week. This will give me time to devote to my dad and my photography.

Well it's off to dreamland with me....

*Life isn't always what we dream it up to be.... But there is something marvelously wonderful in the imperfect state of perfection.... Best Friends that I never knew I'd have.... Frustrations with those I love.... Two fabulously older gentlemen - one whom doesn't know I exist (perhaps) and the other who unfortunately isn't a Christian (that I'm aware of).... reverting back to a state of Father and daughter that I never experienced growing up, but now my father wants to try to live in - and by no means am I stopping him.... Plants that live and some that don't... but not admitting defeat all too soon.... Bills that come out of nowhere, unwise spending, and realizing all those "things" don't fill the empty places.... Still wondering who the heck I am and loving discovering me with the help of my friends.... Getting older, being single, and having more girlfriends to hang out with than ever before.... Discussions on marriage, engagement, children, families, sports, frustrating coworkers, dreams, plans.... Knowing God is there and yet needing to spend more time with Him - how unfaithful I can be and yet He still loves me.... It's time I love Him more.... God, thank You for this "crazy, tragic, sometimes magic, awful, beautiful life." And thanks for country music and country living....

A Long Weekend

2005-04-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

Let's try this again.... I just finished writing a whole long blog only for it to not publish and then lose everything.... Sigh. Gotta love modern technology....

Well I took a much needed long weekend partially because I've needed it and partially because it's my birthday present to myself.

Today I woke late, watched MASH, and nibbled on some organics cereal with rice milk (yesterday I made a great homemade smoothie). Then I took each of my dogs for an individual walk. Afterwards, I moved my seedlings and plants from my basement outdoors for the first time. I'm so happy with their growth. I'm looking forward to beautiful bouquets and yummy fruits and veggies later this summer. I then laid out for about a half hour. That was the best. Then I took a shower and went over to the office my mom and friend work at for a late lunch (2ish). We had Chinese and I treated for all five of us. It was cool. I love the people on staff there today. They're great (it's the same company I work for just a different office). The guy actually thought I was already 25 not just turning 24. I took that as a compliment. He's such a big brother in a way.... A really cute big brother - laugh. He and the one owner who works out of that office and my mom always pick on me whenever I stop in. I delivered lunch to them yesterday (that's along story) and got picked on by the one owner for the second day in a row about my skirt being too short. Now the thing was, my skirt came down to my feet. It was funny. I stayed there for awhile after eating outside with my friend and looked over one or two things with my mom and left around 4. When I got home, I crashed on the couch for an afternoon catnap and woke up later to watch some tv with my folks. How fabulous....

Tomorrow, I meeting one of my close girlfriends at a ceramics place and then we'll both catch up with another close friend (and now actually we're all coworkers out of the same office - we were friends first), for lunch. Later on, the girl I had lunch with today, is calling around to organize a group of friends to go mini golfing or bowling (depending on the weather) for my birthday. When the weather gets nicer, I want to go to the zoo.... I think I'll just chill at home on Sunday and then on Monday go shopping with my sister and catch the opening day baseball game.

For as much as I love some of my coworkers, I'm still desiring to cut back on hours. In someways, I'm really starting to desire settling down and hopefully with someone who already has a career under his belt and is making enough (and not caring about all the extras) that I don't have to work but can if I want to. A somewhat older, hardworking, God fearing guy with a great sense of humor is really starting to sound good. Ironically, I've been getting small glimpses of gentlemen that are a pleasure to know.... We'll see what happens.... If nothing else, maybe I'll take up my coworkers joking suggestion of starting a physical therapy center in Key West or Jamaica with a bar on the side.... Or atleast work there in some fashion.... People are too stressed out today.... I have definitely met some of the coolest people: from therapists, to aides, to patients, I don't regret my time in this job.

Well I should get off, make my bed and then curl up with one of my fabulous organic teas and one of my books and call it a night as the rain falls on my roof.... Spring is such a fabulous time....

A Movie for Easter

2005-03-27T16:32:00.000-05:00

Today I came home from my housesitting jbo for a bit to spend time with my family. During the course of the afternoon, we watched Ladder 49. I haev to say it's one of the best movie's I've recently seen. Hollywood glitter and glam is left for another day as we get a peak into the real lives of firefighters. What a breathe of fresh air! I would highly recommnend renting this movie if you didn't get a chance to see it in theaters.

Nearly Easter

2005-03-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

I can't believe we're already getting ready to enter the fourth month of the year.... When did that happen?

Work has been good and stressful all at the same time. There are days I want to quit and days I don't mind. It kind of depends on whom I'm working with. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are a totally different crew from Tuesdays and Thursdays. The latter are my favs. And if it wasn't for one particular coworker (who is also one of my dearer friends) I don't know if I'd make it through the day there (I hate when we work different shifts).

Daddy's still going to doctors and having more tests done....

I've purchased a lot of plants and am looking forward to doing some gardening with my mom and brother.

My pursuit of a photography business has temporarily been moved to the back burner. On the other hand, I'm thoroughly enjoying the fellowship of the new single girls bible study I was invited to join with three of my girlfriends.

And for as much as lately I've sworn I would never marry a PT... somehow I think they just might make great spouses - back massages baby!!! *laugh*

Well that's enough of an update for now. Ciao.

A Surprisingly Fabulous Weekend

2005-02-20T18:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend rates right up there with the two most recent weekends I spent at my friend's house two hours away.

Friday night, I went out, after work, with a co-worker (and friend) to Denny's. We spent a great hour catching up and chilling outside of work. She is really a blessing.

Saturday morning, I woke early and headed over my friend's house who is getting married in October (she is also my photography business partner). Her mom drove us and the other two bridesmaids down. We met her matron of honor at the bridal store. Those places are so overwhelming. Simple sounds so good to me currently. She already had our dress style picked out, so we just had to get the correct size. It was funny, because they didn't have the exact color in all the sizes we ended up needing to try on. Mine was the only one. Well my friend also tried her gown. She looks gorgeous! So the five of us stood there together in front of the mirrors. It was funny because the three of us bridesmaids all had different colors on (apple red, black and periwinkle) and the matron of honor had a sage green gown with a strap missing and it was a size too big so it was clipped in the back. Onlookers had quite funny expressions. The mother-of-the-bride actually went over and explained the situation. Afterwards, we went out to lunch.

After lunch, the bride-to-be and I hung out for the rest of the day and I ended up spending the night with her at a house she was housesitting at. I loved the house. Very eclectic: country, vintage, artsy.... Lots of plants. It was fabulous. We rented two movies: Pride and Prejudice (new version) and Love Actually. The first was unique. It grew on me. The latter was awful. We couldn't get past the first 15 minutes. First of all trying to weave 4 stories together (or was it more) is just plain confusing. Maybe it gets less complicated as time goes on, but sigh, way too hard to get into. Secondly, and by far the major offender, was the horribly blatant sex scenes with full nudity. What a waste of money.

Today, I met an old friend for lunch. She brought a friend of hers with, and it was really an enjoyable time filled with catching up and talking about weddings, photography, jobs etc. Afterwards I visited my sister at work and then did a little shopping. And now comes the highlight of my weekend: Who ever would have thought that shopping in Claire's could effect you in such a cool way?

Anyway, I was checking out in Claire's when another worker and a friend of hers came in. The friend got to chatting with me (she works at T-Mobile) and wanted me to see this hairpiece she bought at a kiosk. It blew me away how friendly she was. The girl who actually worked in eh store said they had just been there because she was having a bad day and it was just too much fun. Anyway, the girl simply put her hair up in a messy bun and clipped the pieces in. It matched her hair exactly and instantly gave her long beautiful curls. Seeing my expression, she walked me down to the kiosk and we started the process. In the midst of it, two older women came by. The one had thinning hair. The were watching and ooing and ahing as they saw me "get fit". The other woman said it wouldn't work for her. I got off the seat and the owner and the girl from T-Mobile and I all helped and encouraged her to try. She looked awesome: you couldn't see any of the balding areas or how thin her hair was. It simply looked like she had a great up-do. She looked like she could cry. Writing here doesn't do it justice. Bringing joy to someone else's life: that's what it's all about. The girl from T-mobile is one of the coolest people I have ever randomly met. Thank You, Lord for strange, random encounters.

And currently, I am speaking with a young woman about my missions experiences. It's bringing back a lot of the lessons God taught me that I've forgotten or neglected. This really has been a great weekend. This was actually a pretty great week.

Returning to What Counts....

2005-02-16T11:14:00.000-05:00

Spending regular time in the Bible was not something I've been doing for several months. So about three days ago, I picked up a devotional and dove in. I've definitely needed it. I don't know why I neglect it.... Now I jsut need to get better at being quiet and listening *grin*.

I watched a movie last night. I won't put the title on here cause I don't want people running out to watch it. It's not one i would necessarily recommned. And yet in an odd way, I really liked it. It could have ended differently without the guy and girl meeting back up. I think I would have liked it a bit better that way. I can't put it into words... but it's one of the few movies I've seen recently, risque and all, that I connected with.

People come in and out of
The life you live
There are times we try
And guess why
They're there
Other times
We're sure we know
But what happens
When we're wrong
Does our world stop
Do things
Cease
To exist
No
Sometimes
Happily Ever Afters
Don't come in the packages
We think they should
Hollywood
Fills our heads
With stories of
Boy meets girl
And girl meets boy
But
What if nothing happens
What if
The story doesn't end
The way we think it should
Life goes on....

A Smile on My Face....

2005-02-15T23:19:00.000-05:00

My friend (and business partner) and I didn't accomplish too much tonight business wise. She let me talk a lot and we drooled over stuff we want to eventually purchase.... Probably not the best strategy for starting a business but being close friends and not seeing each other for awhile caused for more of a care free night.

We also talked about her upcoming marriage, the upcoming marriages of friends of ours as well as our newly married friends. It's funny I could be getting all upset and down but I'm not, which is really cool.... I was thinking tonight about how my boss and several other men in my life (varying from mid twenties to fourties or fifties) have all said I'll make a great wife. And I don't know what I think about there being "the one" or any of the other arguments out there; however, in all of this, the one thing that hit me and brought me added joy and comfort was this: the guys around me now aren't looking for a wife so of course they won't "see" me if that makes sense. Now don't burst my bubble ;-). Even though I'm not ready for marriage (too selfish and definitely way too selfish for kids), having a guy around would be nice.... But at the same time, it's all good. God knows better then I do. I also need to get out and mingle more. I've been sitting back, scared to death in someways of meeting someone. I actually think part of me has found it safer to just stay in my own little community.... Anyway, now I'm just babbling. But yeah. Today was actually a really nice day.

A Valentine's Montage: Past and Present and "Future"Bloggings

2005-02-14T12:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah, this would be nice to hear someday, Lord willing:

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
~Jesse McCartney

Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Love Quotes....

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
Franklin P. Jones

"To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others."
Francois Mauriac

"Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved."
Romain Rolland

Letters from Africa....

Well one thing I am looking foward to is Valentine's Day. This year, boyfriendless and all, is going to be wonderful, or so I hope/ plan. It's not all about romance,etc but about telling those in your life that you love them. You don't have to be married or dating to do that. And maybe that will happen someday (statistically) but maybe it won't. Either way there are more important things in life than romance. Though roses at work (friends of mine did that once for my birthday) are always nice, lol. Maybe I'll just send myself some - laugh. To say there aren't moments I'd like to be dating would be a lie. I don't want anyone to think I've got it all together.... But that's not the end all in life.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Happy Valentines Day:

More Then You'll Ever Know
Watermark

Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways
You make me laugh
And yet I feel like its OK to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been revived
And that the way it ought to be

Chorus:
Cuz you've been more then a friend to me
Fight off my enemies
You've spoken the truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh you have blessed my life
More then you'll ever know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
More then you'll ever know
Yeah, yeah, yeah

You've had faith when I've had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be

(Chorus)

Bridge:

You have carried me
You have taken upon a burden
That wasn't your own
May the blessing return to you
A hundred fold, oh whoa oh oh yeah
A hundred fold, oh yeah

(Chorus)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2005-02-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

"Happy Valentines' Day, God! I Love You! I want You to be comfortable in my heart, so please show me where I need to change; what I need to stop doing and start doing; and what paths You want me to follow. I pray that I will become more like Jesus every day. I hope that my life will be pleasing to You. Examine my heart attitude and my life, to see if there be any sin. Show me, Lord. Give me the wisdom and the strength to step out, break the bonds, and follow You faithfully. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."
~ Prime Time with God

As much as in some ways it'd be nice to have a "special someone" in my life, there is more to today than just romance. Now this is not to take away from those who do nor am I saying the celebration of romantic love should be ignored or done away with. God started speaking to my heart a few days ago that this is also a day (though it should be everyday) that we remind those whom He's brought into our lives, how much we love them. All too often, in the past, I've focused on whom I didn't have in my life as opposed to whom I did have in my life. I'm not giving up or anything. Whether or not someone comes, God will see me through. It's just that there is a lot more to love and life than romance.... And that, in God's timing, can follow too.... Love is a gift as well as a choice. Have a great Valentine's Day!

My Poor Mom

2005-02-12T13:29:00.000-05:00

My mom went to the doctor's this morning to be told she has the flu. He gave her an excuse for a week off from work. I'm still not feeling well either. I think the rest of my family is waiting to be hit....

The photo gig went okay last night. One big thing we learned was the importance of speaking directly with the person who has the vision.... Sigh. Oh well. It did make me remember how much I enjoy this.... And my partner (and friend) is just so wonderful. I don't think I'd be doing any of this if it wasn't for her. She really is one of my best friends. Her parents are great too.

Lord thank You for those who You've brought into my life.

I've been watching a lot of movies recently. It really makes me want to work on one again... well some of them have: In America, Evelyn (with Pierce Brosnon), and The Girl from Paris. The Village and Bourne Identity were great too. Bourne Supremacy, Love Comes Softly, Vanity Fair and The Forgotten all lacked something.

I'm learning I like a movie that has a raw feel to it or that somehow doesn't posess the mundane predictable Hollywood feel. And music. Iyiyiyiyi. If you're going to use music, use it well or not at all. It Had to Be You is a great example of a poor use of music. While some of the dialouge was intriguing, overall the movie was predictable and rather cheesy. And the music was awful! On the other hand, The Girl from Paris, was a gem of a find. A little long, but intriguing. How often do you find a story about a nearly thirty year old girl who goes back to school to become a farmer? There's much more to the story.... It's also in French (which I love) and has a charm to it that is lacking from many American made films. I would recommend it.

Bend it Like Beckham

2005-02-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

So I indulged and watched movies this afternoon. One of the ones I watched was Bend It Like Beckham. Now while it's not going to go down as one of my all time favorites, watching it made me chuckle. This is not so much because of any accomplishments of cast or crew, but because of the knowledge that one of my good friends has watched it. Part of me wants to swat him... the other just wants to laugh and roll my eyes.... He's lucky I luv 'im.... It does make me want to play soccer, though. It also makes me want to go overseas.... Soccer is one of the few sports that I don't mind... actually probably the only one. Once it gets a little nicer, I'd love to get a group together just to kick a ball around a bit. We'll see.... Well back to bed with me. This thing is not allowed to kick me.

Sick

2005-02-10T13:26:00.000-05:00

Well whatever has been going around has finally found it's way to me.... I'm gonna hurt whoever gave it directions ;-) Anyway, a coworker has graciously offered to work the next two days for me so I can rest. Having seen so many others suffer from this long term, I figure heading it off with two days plus a weekends worth of rest should help to get me back on my feet by next week. Hopefully....

It'll be several days full of catching up on buisness homework, sleeping, reading, watching movies, and making cards. I think sleep will be on the top of that list. Speaking of which, I'll write more later. Ciao.

Love Quotes....

2005-02-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
Franklin P. Jones

"To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others."
Francois Mauriac

"Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved."
Romain Rolland

I sure know how to be attracted to someone.... What I really want now is to learn to truly love another human being....

Letters from Africa....

2005-02-08T22:31:00.000-05:00

"today we got a new child!" starts out the most recent update from a friend over in Africa. "We cleaned her up and tried feeding her lunch, but they couldn't get her to stop screaming. I picked her up, took her outside and she stopped right away. ha! I guess I had the touch or something.(haha!) She started to adjust a little bit throughout the rest of the day, but was very upset when we tried to put her to bed. I held her till she fell asleep in my arms then put her in her crib." The surprising things you can learn about people that you never really knew....

I'm so tired and my throat hurts.... I've also be felt sick to my stomach the past two days. Curling up in bed sounds great right about now.... I'm so tired, part of me just wants to cry.... It also seems like everything I was so sure of, has changed, once again.... Part of me wants to move.... To start a new adventure away from here.... We'll see.... Also in speaking with a friend tonight, I got to thinking about some things.... As we talked, everything I was so sure about... or at least I thought I was, began to change.... Or I at least began to second guess.... Being tired doesn't help.

Well one thing I am looking foward to is Valentine's Day. This year, boyfriendless and all, is going to be wonderful, or so I hope/ plan. It's not all about romance,etc but about telling those in your life that you love them. You don't have to be married or dating to do that. And maybe that will happen someday (statistically) but maybe it won't. Either way there are more important things in life than romance. Though roses at work (friends of mine did that once for my birthday) are always nice, lol. Maybe I'll just send myself some - laugh. To say there aren't moments I'd like to be dating would be a lie. I don't want anyone to think I've got it all together.... But that's not the end all in life.

Nearly a Month....

2005-02-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

It's been nearly a month since I last wrote. I haven't been on much. Exhaustion, movies and books have occupied my time. I won't write much because I'm actually wanting to go watch a movie - "In America".

Have you ever had such a full heart that words seem to fail you...? That's where I am at now. There's so much in my heart, but words would never be accurate to express it all. I'm still reveling in the fact that I've now made the two hour trip twice to see my friend all by myself.... To me it equals freedom and adventure.... No more dull boring life for me... well so I hope ;-)

Well this tired "little" gal needs some sleep. Ciao.

To the Edge and Back Again

2005-01-13T23:57:00.000-05:00

Well I turned in my two week notice yesterday at work.... And today I still have my job ;-) It's a long story, but a story full of God's grace and lessons for this prideful, stubborn, perfectionistic, sinful human. Tonight I feel like a wearied, battleworn fighter rescued from the brink of death - beyond tired, not sure how to feel, only knowing that rest has finally come....

So I didn't do too well focusing on others today.... I did learn that my county is battling gangs. I wasn't fully aware of that. I also learned that one of our state delegates, whom I've met and see on a regular basis, is working on a bill in conjunction with harmful additives in gasoline and it's possible contamination of drinking water. So my horizon is expanding beyond the universe I had been living in known simply as me: it's slow but it's a start - Praise God!

Well it's time for bed. Ciao.

Of Herbal Remedies, New Clothes and Africa

2005-01-09T20:56:00.000-05:00

After sitting in a bath that included lemon grass oil and other herbal oils, I feel much better. My mouth still won't open any further, but in general my body feels invigorated and clean - rid of lots of impurities. It was nice....

I also took the time on Friday evening to stop by the mall and do a little clothes shopping. I came away with a couple of cute additions to my wardrobe. Now it sounds silly, but that made me feel better too, though in a different way....

I'll be taking an online introduction to business course this semester and am considering going back down to part-time or atleast working the bare minimum to be full-time - I'm spent right now....

The biggest thing that has impacted me over the last few days have been the two e-mails I've received from one of my guy friends who is helping out for a month or two at our AIDS Orphanage in Namibia. Only being there a few days, what he has written in his letters has been the "slap in the face" or "cold water" I've needed to start reawakening what has been dormant inside of me.... So in a way I am indebted to him... more so I am greatful to God.

Blah...Blah...Blah...

2005-01-08T19:40:00.000-05:00

I feel yucky, again. After getting quite a few chores done today and then chilling with my friend, her fiance',and her and her fiance's families for her birthday, I went home and developed quite a nasty headache. I was suppose to go to church tonight and hang out with friends but I just can't.... Sigh....

Nothing else of much interest to type. My brain hurts....

The Depths of the Soul or Just Scratching the Surface...?

2005-01-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

Things are changing at work.... I don't know that I care for it much. I'll be meeting with our Buisness Admin (the same position the two owners want to eventually see me in, or so they've expressed) this coming Tuesday at my request.... I really need to seek God on some matters before then.... I've about had it with our billing office. I understand where they are coming from, but I'm drained at their constant requests for missing info - some important, grant it, but lots that I've either sent previously or that they could figure out on their own.... I think I've let the sun set on my anger one too many times.... Sigh.... One of my co-workers (a therapist) is having a really hard time with illnesses in her fafmily and other such trials. It makes for stressful times.... Then there's our new Center Director or whatever his title is - I don't even know my official title. Anyway, he's a real sweet guy but he needs to chill out.... Understandably, I assume he's nervous and wanting to make a good impression especially with the owner's. The one who was working out of the office I'm at is going to go head up one of two new offices we're openning up (6 total, once they're up and running)....

It was such a bizarre day: the one therapist, because of all the problems at home, came in and decided she would need to leave half way through the day which was fine because the schedule was such that it wouldn't be too difficult to clear up. I figured most of it out right away but this was at 8 in the morning so I was going to wait to call the three patients we needed to call later around 9 or 10 (they weren't due in until after 5).... Well the new Director is standing over me telling me how it should be handled - I've dealt with this before.... He came in later, and asked the status and I told him I left messages with two of the patients cause I knew the third couldn't move and we'd need to swop out one of the others so he could still come.... He wanted him called regardless, so I had the aide helping me call him.... He said he could come earlier which at first irritated me cause he and I had specifically spoken the other day regarding his hours at work and needs for time.... Oh well yes I'm not perfect.... But he called back soon afterwards to say that he really couldn't because of work.... So yes, unfortunately I felt vindicated.... I need to learn to listen to authority figures I guess, but my deal was, I've been here longer then him and have had to reschedule patients before.... I know what I'm doing.... And yeah I guess deep down I just don't care much for change and our office has been the one with the most changes in the 14 months I've been there and we've been open. I guess i have a good does of pride too....

Even with the possibility of the position of Buisness Admin or something along those lines (cause I don't know if a business can have two) waiting for me "in time" and all the benefits and extras of attaining that level, I'm not sure I really want it... that I want any of it.... So much is changing.... Work, friends getting married, family, friends.... everybody is kind of developing lives of their own.... And yes it is fair to say that I haven't done my part at maintaining all of my friendships.... I want to leave... to see the west coast.... I'm not sure what I want, but not this.... Am I just looking at the negative, though?

And then there's me.... Do you ever sit there and think, "Why'd I just say or do that. That's not me. What's my deal?" That's how I felt talking on the phone with a friend tonight and how I feel at work at times and with people in general.... But I guess it comes from somewhere inside of me - is it defense or heart ugliness? I haven't cried in quite awhile and this is the second time this week....

God, I haven't been spending time with You.... I haven't been to church in forever.... I really want to go to a smaller church. My church is too big for me now.... Then there's the weird premonition things from time to time.... Maybe it's just coincidence....

It's funny how something as small as a pimple (bright red) on the end of your nose can alter your mood (well only if you let it and I sure did).... I made a statement today something to the effect of that I wouldn't want to know whether or not guys were attracted to me when I walked in a room cause I was certain they wouldn't be.... What rubbish.... It'd be nice to have heads turn...flattering and most of the time I think I'm quite cute (I like my spunk) and yet I know all too well that I'm picky as all get out.... I've liked/ been attracted to my fair share of guys, but I'm not sure I'd marry any of them for as many times as I've thought about it.... All I know for sure is that he'll have to be Christian, be patient, be able to be silly with me, be able to make me laugh, and be able to have good conversations....

What do I want out of life....And I'm pretty sure I'm coming at this from totally the wrong way.... God forgive me... thanks for Your patience.... I want to do something that the "experts" say can't be done just to prove them wrong.... I want to become an "expert" in something without a degree from college (well at least in that field). I want to move out west or to Hawaii (though I think I should visit first - I love the sun and warmer climits...maybe it should just be the south). I want to write a book or create a work of art that really moves others. I want to have a deep relationship with God. I want to significantly impact the lives of widows, orphans,etc. And I want to worry less about me and what others think of me.... So, Lord, what do I do to "get there"? Which of these desires do I pursue and which do I lay aside.... I'd love to have a place where people felt welcomed to come and safe and at home.... To assist unwed mothers.... I'd like to bring healing and beauty to others lives....

pebbles, ripples, brooks, streams, ocean....
I just need to know which way to go and how to get there...
oneday, one step at a time....

The Verdict is In....

2005-01-04T22:07:00.000-05:00

Well I was able to obtain an appointment at my dentist today. He did an exam and took x-rays. The verdict... probable TMJ (ok ok ok yes, we've already kind of established that) and an infection in the lymph node near my lower left jaw region. HA HA HA so there PCP. I was right. Okay...yes, now I feel better.... Why do I always (okay not always but more often then not) diagnos myself when my doctors say I'm fine. My dentist wrote me a prescription - YES! Drugs *grin*...lol joking joking.... Anyway, my boss should hopefully be able to "work" on my TMJ for a bit tomorrow to loosen up the muscles and/or ligaments... so I should be well on the way to recovery.... *GRIN* Thank You Jesus!!!

Yummy... Yummy....

2005-01-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

Well now the left side of my jaw is giving me problems.... It's almost humorous now. My appetite has been quite content to survive soley on the three dips I made (yes, I've even been able to eat the apple slices with only slight difficulty). Tapioca and butterscotch pudding and apple cider round out the menu.

I wasn't going to make any New Year's resolutions.... Then I thought of making a New Years resolution to never make them again... but as I've gazed at my petite frame in the mirrior and noticed a few minor changes, I'm thinking the proverbial resolution to exercise more might indeed be beneficial.... I definitely need to be more faithful (and at this point return to) daily time with the Lord. Also it would seem that devoting time to some form of academic study since I'm no longer going to school full-time might be wise.... Discipline is something I could use more of.... Lord, please give me wisdom - You said if I asked, You'd give.

Now before I leave for the night, I must leave you all with one of my newly found favorite quotes from the Red Green Show:

The Man's Prayer
"I'm a man...
But I can change...
If I have to...
I guess."

Peering Through the Veil....

2005-01-01T19:25:00.000-05:00

So 2005 is here but it has barely just begun.... This year has started very different from most. My bed, my books, my imagination... writing stories, watching movies, dreaming strange dreams.... This is how I've entered the New Year....

But who is this little girl sitting here typing out this thought? For though I appear a woman in some ways, childhood still has it's hold.... And then there are my fears.... Fears which keep me from becoming the person I am meant to be.... I want to stop being the bird in the cage who is only kept there because she once had her wings clipped and couldn't fly.... My wings have grown back in. The only thing holding me back is the fear that was taught me by misconstrued truth....

Yet maybe I live too much in my imagined world... my perfect world.... There are moments of joy at work... but why then do I feel so claustrophobic at the thought of returning...? Why do I feel like I slowly die the longer I am there.... Is it a lie that one can find a job where they are truly happy? Can one both have the financial means they need to live on without being enslaved to a forty hour week at a job they can at the very least tolerate at the worst dread and despise?

I want to go out west. That is something I'd like to do before this year ends.... I want to write a full story... or make some kind of book.... I want to take a really great photograph.... I want to create a music video....

I am still the little girl that liked to sing and dance in front of the full length mirror and prance around like a ballerina.... I am still the girl fascinated by survival on a deserted island and by leukemia.... I am still the girl that loved the original Star Treks and Star Wars... which have been followed by Star Gate, Men in Black I & II, Independence Day, iRobot (just watched it and loved it!).... I'm still the girl that liked to write stories, put on plays and design layouts.... I'm still the girl that liked to play house and school (as the teacher).... I'm still the girl that liked to photograph.... So have all of these things been in me since the beginning...? Where do I go? What do I do with these...? Everything I have ever done has somehow come together even when it didn't make sense....

I think the question is, what do I want to do.... A romantic relationship/ marriage I believe is off a ways for two reasons. A.) Because it's something I've wanted more than anything else and have put above God and B.) because I think there is something I need to figure out about myself and/ or do before I become attached.... Which is fine...actually it's exciting.... But what is it that I really want...? I was created for a purpose... so Lord, what is it...?

Alright Lord, I can't see very far beyond the veil of tomorrow which leads into each tomorrow of this New Year, but I know You can.... So I stretch out my hand and take Yours.... I'm so bad at being faithful.... I don't want to just be talk this year.... Words are easy enough to pen and spout off.... Let me become a woman true to her word... and not merely one who lives by them but also acts upon them.... And may they bring glory to You....

It's Here...Ready or Not...

2005-01-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Welcome to 2005! The New Years started off well so far, outside of my brother being a tad bit grumpy. All of us were up and together for once to celebrate (well the first time in awhile). There were the dips I made, sparkling cider, and lots of laughs and goofiness.... One of our local stations had a mix of some popular tunes going on in the background as the fireworks display took place. My sister rocked in her chair to the tunes, and I danced around the kitchen in my bathrobe. Quite humorous.

I still can't open my mouth fully, it feels stiff and swollen, but it's okay. My friend prayed for me today over the phone (how sweet) which I immensely appreciated. "The prayer of a righteous man is effective...." This came to mind afterward. I know God has a plan in it all.... If nothing else, I'm getting much needed rest *grin* always a good thing. Thanks bud!

Anyway, I'm off to read and sleep some more. God Bless and may your New Year be fabulous! My prayer is that we all grow closer to Jesus in this New Year and become more like Him.

*Hugs* to all my loved ones near and far.

Back Home....

2004-12-30T20:37:00.000-05:00

I'm back home after several days of housesitting and none too soon. I've not felt well most of the week. I had already planned on taking today off to give me a four day weekend instead of just a three and had separate plans with two of my friends. I was even going to go in to work for a few hours to finish off end of year stuff and then go catch up with my friends; however, after being up for about a half hour, all of that changed.

Yesterday I had actually been feeling better but was extremely exhausted by the time night came, a first in awhile. After being up for a half hour, I became extremely nauseous and my jaw started hurting worse. I think I have TMJ cause opening my mouth has become difficult. I've struggled with it from time to time but this is the first time it's been this bad.... I can't tell if I have an infection too or if I'm just having an issue with one of my teeth, cause the lower right side of my jaw is aching to no end. The only relief I find is in sleeping which I have done plenty of today. I just hope I feel better for tomorrow evening. I don't have concrete plans yet, but I don't want to miss hanging out with my friends....

Here's to feeling better soon and to the prospects of a fabulous New Year! Here's to 2005 and all she holds....

The Simple Life

2004-12-25T23:17:00.000-05:00

So what defines the simple life (and no I'm not talking about the two show those two very troubled heiresses are in)? That's what I am in pursuit of..... As Christmas day comes to a close, I am starting to go through some of my things in preparation for the Salvation Army to come and pick them up. I can think of several things that it's just time to get rid of.... Others, I just need to organize better.... Being an artsy type person, I don't think I'll ever truly have a clutter free abode, but I can give it a shot.... So here's to my journey towards a simpler life....

The Last 24 Hours

2004-12-25T22:45:00.000-05:00

So in the last 24 hours, my best friend became engaged and asked me to be in her wedding....

In the last 24 hours, I saw the guy we met while over in Ukraine and he still joked with me about coming back over and finding me a husband....

In the last 24 hours, all the presents under our tree disappeared....

In the last twenty four hours, I've watched 3 movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Collateral, and The Manchurian Candidate....

In the last twenty-four hours, I stayed up until 5 in the morning, writing a basic outline of a story that actually has a beginning, middle and an end - exciting....

In the last twenty-four hours, I've decided that this coming New Year is going to be a good one.... It'll be my year....

* * * * * * *

Out of the three movies I saw, I'd have to say I thought Eternal was the one I found to be done the best. I'm not sure even a few months ago I would've said that.... And by no means would I necessarily recommend it to just anyone. I guess the first way to describe it that came to mind last night was disturbingly captivating.... There was something about it that struck a chord with me.... I think that was part of my inspiration in the story I ended up writing into the early hours of today.... The other two movies were interesting, though both were a little slow. The more movies I watch as of late, the more I want to create... something.... The more I like to imagine and dream that I could make a movie, story, something that would be even better then what I've seen.... I need to watch more movies and read more books that are of excellent inspiration....

How Awesome is That...?

2004-12-24T23:36:00.000-05:00

My best friend's boyfriend proposed to her today. YEAH! How sweet is that, on Christmas Eve. They're planning their wedding for the fall of 2005. She even asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. What a blessing and an honor. This will be my first time and there is no one I'd rather be a bridesmaid for for the very first time. Well I know I had said I probably wouldn't be on again, but I just had to post this. I think this will top the cake for my favorite present for 2004. God Bless all and again, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Have A Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

2004-12-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

I will probably be gone for the next week or so - I'll be housesitting until somewhere around New Years. In light of this, I wanted to go ahead and extend to anyone who runs across this site or visits of their own free will, a very merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year. I also wanted to share a poem with you that my boss shared with our office yesterday. Enjoy:

Salutation To The Dawn

Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:

The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of achievement,

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is just a vision,
And today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day!
Such is the salutation to the dawn.

Kalidasa

Late Nights and Early Mornings

2004-12-21T01:56:00.000-05:00

Some of you must wonder, if I'm always complaining of being tired, why don't I just go to bed earlier.... A very logical question. However, the answer isn't simple. I am a night owl by nature. My other four family members are tucked safely away in there rooms leaving the house peaceful - even our two dogs are quiet. And my siblings no longer fight over wanting to get online late - other things occupy their time.... I am the computer nerd - the internet junkie of the family. I much prefer assignments at work that require me to use the computer.... Anyway, staying up late gives me my time.... Time that I am not afforded the rest of the day; however, I do pay for it in the morning and throughout the day - depending. As of late, though I don't feel too shabby in the morning, though I crash for a few hours as soon as I set foot in the door.

Today was a better day at work then the last few have been. Two events happened today to shake our world as a company. One of our therapists finally went into labor. We also experienced a loss today too. The woman who runs our billing office lost her father today. My family and her's went to church together so we knew her dad.... On a happier note, as I was saying, today was a better day then most. Still lots of paperwork and errors I need to sort out - sigh; however, my boss and I had fun. I called up to the office my mom works out of to see if they had heard anything on the status of our therapist. They hadn't. I then asked how it was up there, and I heard one of the other therapists who had to do his patients and hers, jokingly grumbling in the background. I shared that with my boss and there was a glint in his eyes (this is the same man who agreed with me that at some point in time three of us in our office need to call all three lines at the same time at the office my mom works at just to drive her batty - hee hee). He suggested copying our schedule and writing in a bunch of goofy names to make it looked packed. On my break, I did just that.

When I faxed it over, I called the other secretary to tell her in a very serious voice that I was sending over a very important fax and to give it to the therapist immediately. I hung up the phone giggling. The schedule was booked solid from 7:30 am to 7:00pm. My boss suggested the name Dee Duck. So I put that in in honor of him. Others that I took upon my self to add included:Ima Knucklehead, Lemony Snicket, J.R.R. Tolkien, Marvin Martian, Daniel Den, Isabelle Dingaling, Leo Lion, George W. Bush, Julia Roberts, Chris Christofferson, Anne Shirley, James Dobson, Howdy DooDee, Darin U Toodream, Ivan Odor, C. M. Duck, Raggedy Anne, William Shakespeare, Agatha Christie, Deborah Duhanger, Nicholas Nickleby, Alison Wonderland, Billy Bo Bob, Kitty Cat, Bill E. Goat, Johnny B Hoyle, David Doolittle, Wylie E Coyote, and Sven U Wishuponastar.

Well the therapist called and laughingly said - "Gee you must be so busy over there to have time to write this all up." About a half hour later, he sent over a schedule that had each other the therapists up there listed with Hawaii, Baby, France and Bahamas under each name (one under each). His little note read: "Since ya'll have it covered, we decided to take vacations!" The three of us youngun's lost it and were giggling our silly heads off. It was too funny. I shared it with my boss and he started laughing too. It was great. The only downer: one of the therapists in my office wanted to know if the therapist we were harassing was single. I said I thought he had a serious girlfriend. She said, Is there a ring involved. And I said, Not that I'm aware of. Therapist: Well he's fair game then. You should have your mom put in a few good words for you (I felt like saying, sure when she constantly tells every embarrassing story we've ever had with everyone in the office up there). Iyiyiyiyi... Anyway, that's not my style. If someone is interested in someone else, or someone else is interested in them, I back off. Right now,I think it's everyone's goal to hook me up with someone. Oh well.

Well I'm gonna go enjoy my glowing Christmas tree and snuggle down under my blanket for a few hours of shut eye. Tomorrow I finish making truffles - yummy.

Broadway Shows I Want to See:

Les Miserables

Wicked

The Producers

The Last Five Years

Jewlery Browsing

2004-12-20T01:46:00.000-05:00

I'm not a big jewlery gal, but I do like opals. As far as owning any go, I have a necklace with an opal that one of my aunts gave me, which I love in an antique setting. I also have an antique ring that I'd like to get fitted/ set with an opal. Now both of the pieces that follow, I like. The only thing that would make them perfect is if they were set in silver or antique.

Things to Ponder....

2004-12-20T01:14:00.000-05:00

I'll get back to more writings and deeper things in the near future. I've been engulfed in the Megatokyo comic and Harry Potter.... My existence has become slightly sad.... I can't believe it's Monday... where did the weekend go? I'm looking forward to Christmas more for the time off then anything else.

What I am really pondering( and no, don't get your hopes up, it's nothing deep or profound) is whether or not to get my cartilage and belly button pierced.... Hmmm, I might need to sleep on that one for awhile. Ciao.

A Little Bit of Chaos...

2004-12-19T19:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, this is a picture of me for anyone curious. Not a great picture, but one of very few I'd actually consider posting.

I want to take this time to apologize for the chaos on this site. I've been trying to get this picture to post as my profile picture but am having difficulties.

Anyway that's all for now. Ciao.

My Best Friend and Me

2004-12-19T02:17:00.000-05:00

Actually this is Seraphim and Piro from Megatokyo, but it reminds me of the two of us. He's the guy that lives two and a half hours away.

My Faith Restored....

2004-12-19T01:17:00.000-05:00

So the past two movies I've seen, I haven't been all that impressed with. National Treasure really didn't impress me, though I do question myself to a point when all I hear is how much others have enjoyed it.... And as far as Ocean's Twelve is concerned, I am more then willing to give it another chance for fear that I missed something along the way.... But from the initial viewing, I didn't leave with a satisfied feeling.... However, tonight I ran across a gem of a movie. Actually let me back up for a moment and state that the whole evening was a treat.

My best girlfriend and I got to hang out for the first time in forever. We went to this joint called Bull on the Beach for dinner. I was impressed. There's nothing like seafood from my home state. I had a great crab cake - a little small but it was a real melt-in-your-mouth crabcake. The fries and root beer were good too- reminiscent of a great boardwalk meal.

Afterwards we went to church to hang out before the movie started. While there, we were asked to consider shooting pictures at a Valentine's dance February 11th. I am actually kinda psyched. They're looking for a Big Band style band to play so that towards the end there would be swing dancing and she and I would be more then welcome to join in, we were told.... I can think of two other people (one a piece) that'd we'd like to have accompany us.... Anyway, after all of that, we drove back up to the theater and entered along with a handful of kiddies to watch Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events".

With my rebirthed love of fairytales, fantasy, etc, I had pondered going to see this movie but wasn't making it a priority. When my friend said she'd like to go see it too, I was excited at the opportunity. We were invited to go play cards with some friends while at church; however, I was more interested in seeing the movie now then I had been before.... And the thought of just continuing to have girl time was too good to pass up.

The movie itself, as I began to say, was a real treat. Never having read the books, I didn't have much to go on, though it was nothing of what I guessed it might be about. While there, we ran into another friend of ours. After the movie was finished, she said it reminded her of Big Fish.... My friend said it was a little darker.... I can see where they are coming from; however, while it does seem a little dark, and kind of has the feel in a way of Big Fish, it's in a league of it's own. The sets and costumes were purposefully designed to create that "darker" tone; however, that's not what I walked away with. I walked away enchanted with the children. I walked away wishing I could've gotten to know Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. I wish in some ways that the movie had been longer. I wanted to know more of their world... to step into their world and dwell there for a time. And I walked away wanting to see my world through different eyes knowing that even bad events... a series of unfortunate events, can work out for good.

There's more to life then money, the right job, prestige, getting married, getting everything one wants.... I feel as though I can only see dimly.... The mist that impairs my vision, I wish to scatter, yet I walk on knowing that either it will dissipate or won't;however, in the process, I will stumble upon some wonderful and some awful events and yet I have a Faithful Guide, who will help me along. And in the end, this will be my story.... The question I must keep in mind is: Just how is it that I will want it to read...?

My Cartoon Look Alike

2004-12-18T14:34:00.000-05:00

Okay well not exactly, but I'd like to think so.
My friend says I remind him of her or maybe it's her of me....

Somedays I Can Relate...

2004-12-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

Somedays I can relate to this.

The Return of the Peanut Butter

2004-12-18T13:29:00.000-05:00

Yeah staying up until 4am has an odd effect on me.... I got up around 11, though I lingered in bed going back and forth between snuggling back down under the covers or reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.... When I finally crawled out of bed, I had some of the Turkey soup my mom made the other day for breakfast. All I have really wanted to do today is eat.... I was kinda bummed cause the fridge is pretty bare.... The past few days all I've wanted is peanut butter - whether it's a peanut butter and black raspberry jelly sandwich or peanut butter and celery. I was whining about this to my sister when she said we did have peanut butter (she had picked it up at the store the other day). I was elated. The joy I felt was so overwhelming that I could not keep from doing a little dance that I entitled "My Peanut Butter Dance". World be scared... very scared. So now I sit here happily feasting on a peanut butter and black raspberry sandwich and peanut butter and celery. Life doesn't get much better then this.... Well okay yeah it does, but for now, this works.

This reminds me so much of me... well the me I am trying to walk away from.

Me in 2-D

2004-12-18T13:25:00.000-05:00

Here's a sketch from my 2-D Design class where I had to draw a picture of my head from a Polaroid my teacher took of me in class. I could only use shapes to compose the sketch.

Inspired Doodles....

2004-12-18T13:11:00.000-05:00

I'll never make it big with my drawing or lack there of skills; however, it was fun to do a little sketching last night after my introduction to the comic strip Megatokyo.

The End of My Rope...?

2004-12-17T22:01:00.000-05:00

How do you know when you've reached the end of your rope? I'm so tired... but why? I'm 23. I shouldn't be so tired. One of my coworkers just turned 40, has five kids, works three twelve hour days, homeschools the rest of the time and is the "bread winner" while her husband is in seminary.... Now she has every reason to be tired. Me? I'm the epitome of pathetic.... I don't want to complain.... Why can't I get everything done at work? Why?

And what is it lately with how I react whenever anyone touches me? It's kind of like...well for lack of a better term, a hunger. Which sounds so bizarre.... I just want to be held, hugged.... It's like I don't get enough physical contact, which I guess is true.... But I think I try to keep my distance sometimes.... Lack of physical contact decreases your chances of emotional pain, I suppose is my twisted logic... As a little girl my dad was hurt because I was too independent - I wanted to play by myself instead of sit in his lap or so I've been told... now my friend who's trying to "set me up" with someone described the type of guy he thinks I need as not being "too gentlemanly" that I don't need/want someone who's always opening doors for me, etc.... How far from the truth that is.... But if that's how I come across....

I need to be around my friends more.... But I'm so exhausted and worn out from interaction with people all day long everyday.... "Nothing a week off of work and an assistant wouldn't cure...." That's what I just typed to a friend. And I know this too shall pass.... I just hate these times.... It makes me feel weak and reminds me of my past.... I hate the lying little voice in my head that says this is why nobody loves me and why nobody will...Why I was rejected in the past.... I started reacting poorly again when people pass me on the road....Not how I had been but I was, at least I thought so, getting better about it. I want to scream that my car is good enough, not some little piece of crap.... That's what I feel like yelling to the world about me. I'm not some little piece of crap. Don't just pass by me or blow me off. Don't try to walk all over me.... But if I assert myself don't call me a b**** either. These are the times I just wish I had a shoulder to put my head on... someone to cuddle with, yet I know that isn't the answer....

faltering on the tight rope
you take me by the hand
and help me safely down again
with a laugh and a smile
you're always there
even with the glass pane
you've set up in between us
chasing the blues away
and helping me see the sun again
thanks

Once Upon a Time....

2004-12-16T21:18:00.000-05:00

A thought hit me today upon the receipt of my Grimms Brothers Fairytales: Who was it that first penned the phrase "Once Upon a Time"? How did they come up with it? I guess, like most inspiration, it just kind of "hits" you... Like this mornning when I sat eating my breakfast in preparation for work and, while gazing out the window, an idea for a story just came to me right out of the blue. I immediately went back to my bedroom to start capturing it on paper before it flew away, as so many ideas have as of late because I've not taken the time to write them down immediately.

Of Road Trips, $200, Insatiable Appetites, Cancer, Japan, and Idaho...

2004-12-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

I hope you'll all forgive me for my following gushing (and that my friend isn't embarrassed or upset), but I just want to share with the world what an awesome friend I have. This weekend I drove 2 1/2 hours to hang out with him, because I've missed him and really wanted to watch Ocean's Twelve with him. We ended up going to see it along with his brother-in-law.

This friend of mine is one of the world's greatest guys. I don't say that lightly. I have more guy friends then girl friends and they're all great; however, he takes the cake. He carried my bag to and from the house for me, and he always openned my side of the car first (my guy friends here at home don't do that). He paid for my ticket to the movie and when we went to the kiddie amusement park to celebrate his niece's 3rd birthday. He even offered to give me money for the tolls on the ride home. He also burned a dance cd "to help keep me awake" on the late night drive home. Maybe those seem like little things, but it's really the little things that count. He always let me go first, too. He is such a gentleman. He is also insanely talented. Everyone is unique and different, but I think the world would be an even better place if there were more guys like him. I know "my world" is a better place for him being a part of it. I am thankful for his friendship and the gift God has given me in him.

The weekend itself was such a huge blessing after a semi-crummy week. I love his family and felt bad for staying longer then I first said but was so grateful they let me. Because of staying later, it caused me to need to drive home so that I wouldn't reach home until approx 1am. His dad tried to talk me into staying another night. It was so sweet. His mom sent me off with a thermos of coffee and told me to get online and let my friend know that I got home okay. It's funny because for a long time I didn't think she liked me. She's really an awesome woman. Both of his parents are so hospitable and I love his mom's spunk/ wit. His sister is a real sweet heart and his brother-in-law is a trip. It sounds so horrible, but I had forgotten how much I missed them.... All the eloquent words I thought to pen this evening on my drive home have faded.... These are the words of my enormously blessed and thankful heart....

Movies, learning web design basics, going to the book store, attending his brother-in-laws church, great food, and being a kid again at the kiddie amusement park made up this wonderful weekend.

The kiddie park was lit up for Christmas and seemed magical in it's own right. Multi-colored lights twinkled in the blackness. Children's laughter and cries filled the air. My friend, who is also an Uncle, came to his niece's "rescue" when she wanted to go on a ride but couldn't quite get there quick enough. He scooped her up into his arms and hurried off to the long awaited first ride. It was sweet.

There was also a small aviary in the park. There were several birds in there, one of which caught my eye and imagination - a white peacock. I've never seen one before. The bird seemed like something fantastical... Something mythical and magical.... Well at least it did to me....

There is so much else I could write.... Words are escaping me, though. This will all be treasured away in the depths of my heart along with other special memories like last year when his sister and I decorated Christmas cookies together in the dining room while my friend and our other guy friends played video games in the den and his mother sat in the living room sewing.

To complete what the title eludes to:

I spent nearly $200 today which shocked me; however, I've completed all my Christmas shopping outside of three gift cards. Now I just have to do Christmas cards and make the chocolate truffles for my co-workers.

I have been devouring books as of late. Once I complete this, I will go back and read the third Harry Potter book. Once I complete all the books that are out now, I'll be moving on to a book by Patricia McKillip. I'm so excited! I've only read one book by her, The Changeling Sea (which I hope to eventually purchase), and I really enjoyed it. It was my first fantasy book ever....

I'll lump the last three items together. I want to see if there's a way I can work with pediatric cancer patients (if there are any) at my local hospital. I've had a bizarre "attraction"/ "fascination" with pediatric cancer ever since I was young.... I've also for the past year or so have had an on and off desire to go to Japan. Within the last month it has resurfaced. I particularly want to visit Okinawa where I know a missionary. I've seen her pictures from there and think it's one of the most beautiful places. Speaking of missionaries I know, friends of mine who have been missionaries in Mali will be coming home to the States to serve in a training capacity. They will be based in Boise, Idaho, so my hopes are to get out there to visit them once they are settled in.

Well that is more then enough for now. Ciao.

A Singing Sensation....

2004-12-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

No, this is not referring to myself. Oh how I wish it was. Tonight I went to one of my best guy friend' senior recital. He's a vocal major. Before intermission (it was just him) he sang songs in different languages and which were mainly serious. It was a much lighter fare after intermission. He concluded with three songs that I just couldn't help but think, "Watch out Broadway, here he comes." I was in tears I was laughing so hard. It also hit me in a very sentimental way too: We're all growing up. Life is changing.... It was nice, though, afterwards all of his friends and family who could make it went up to give him hugs and congratulate him. I was one of the last ones, maybe the last one. His eyes brightened and he was like, "I'm glad you came I didn't know if you'd make it our not." Like I would've missed it for the world.

I'm exhausted after work today.... Yet another not too fab day. Not bad but I feel like I'm in an eternal funk. I know it's not true but I feel like I can't do anything right. I just want to stay in bed and read.... I'm so looking forward to the weekend especially with the opening of Ocean's 12. I just wish I could catch it with my best friend who lives three hours away.

Well for now I bid thee adieu.

Decking the Halls and Trimming the Tree

2004-12-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

This evening, I put up the little artificial Christmas tree that I purchased. While at Target with my mom today, I bought two extra packages of the bulbs I bought the other night for fear that I wouldn't have enough.... Well I think the bulbs will be fine; however, ironically enough, I'm short a string of lights, two to three strands of garland and probably another package of bows.... And yet, when it's all finished, I think it is going to be absolutely lovely. There are two or three tones of gold and a frosted bulb with gold sparkle swirlies. I'll have to take a picture and post it....

Today didn't go much better then yesterday. I'm not necessarily ready to quit. I'm just frustrated, tired, in need of more preparation/ training, too perfectionistic, my biggest critic.... Basically, I am in terrible need of a vacation. I want to go away, take a walk on the beach (even if it's cold), watch movies, eat good food, sleep late, play, take walks, relax, get a back massage.... I've always thought it'd be fun to be kidnapped.... Not to worry, I mean by friends.... After the beginning of the year I think I'm gonna see if my best girlfriend wants to go to Florida for a vacation. I really need one.... But God's getting me through.... I hate to do it, but as of now, I'm living for the weekends. I want to live each day for His glory.... What needs to change, God?

Yeah... I Shoulda Stayed in Bed....

2004-12-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

Today wasn't too bad.... Oh but the stress levels really soared. I am really irritated with some things going on in the work arena of my life.... But I don't want to go into details. It was just really nice to get out of there today. It's not my boss or any of my direct coworkers..... Anyway, in general I feel oddly removed from the whole situation....

To top off the day, I hadn't been able to figure out why our modem at work wouldn't work. Finally after nearly a week of not being able to get online, I asked one of our patients who is a friend of mine to check it out.... You know you're too stressed and busy when the problem ends up being that you put the phone cord into the network jack instead of the modem jack.... Doh.... My idiot award of the day (well okay maybe year).... The second Harry Potter and bed are sounding oh so good right now....

What To Do When You're Not Feeling Well....

2004-12-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

I awoke this morning not feeling horrible, but neither did I feel well. My mom came in and upon one look at me announced that I was pale. It didn't bother me much. With that confirmation and how I felt, I chose to stay home and rest.

My day consisted of largely that (rest), accompanied by soup, orange juice, tea, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, an apple and reading the entire first Harry Potter book. I'll be starting the second one soon.

I know there is a lot of controversy over the series. I think I see both sides more clearly now then I once had. But I'll wait to make any further comment or judgement until I have read more. I've seen all three movies and thus far, this last one is my favorite. The first book was really enjoyable and the movie remarkably stayed very true to the book. It made for quite an enjoyable read.... The only bad point: I'd rather stay in bed reading all day tomorrow instead of going to work. Oh how I look forward to a snowbound day.

Life As It Is....

2004-12-05T01:39:00.000-05:00

Not much new going on.... Work is still keeping me hopping with being the only one who knows exactly what is going on and how to do things.... So I often come home beat with no desire to be social. I haven't even watched that much tv lately. Most often I either fall asleep on the couch or curl up on my bed with an Agatha Christy novel. I have come to thoroughly enjoy them.... To combat my often stressed demeanor, I have taken to listening to jazz, especially on the drive to and from work. It's so soothing....

Our office is decorated for the holidays and looks very festive. For each of our offices, and every member of our staff in them, I am going to make homemade truffles and lemon pound cake. This week we're having our Christmas party and a birthday party and baby shower for two of my coworkers. One is turning fifty and the other is due the day after Christmas. She let me feel what a contraction feels like the other night (well how tight her stomach got). One of my other coworkers who is pregnant (there are three total) let me feel her stomach the other day. Maybe it sounds weird, but it was so amazing. One of my other coworkers who is a newlywed and I remarked about the feeling it gave us in our... well womb I guess for lack of a better word/term. Kinda like butterflies.... Yet I am very ready to wait. To be a working woman is my lot in life for the present, and I am quite content.

Oh and as far as decorating my tree goes... well part of me would still love to decorate it in a victorian theme, however, it's been hard to find exactly what I want (though today at the mall I found a lovely mini "dress fitter" decorated in teh victorian style which I may go back and purchase). And as far as decorating in blue and silver, that has even fallen through. I was quite intrigued by the simple elegance of gold. My tree will be in gold... I just need to find the right accent color perhaps. But we shall see....

Nothing else comes to mind at the moment. This seems to be my life for now: Christmas preparations and work. I need a hobby ;-) Ciao for now.

My How Fast Time Has Flown By....

2004-11-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

I can't believe tomorrow is the first of December. Where has all the time gone? Christmas lights are up.... Christmas songs were on the radio the day before Thanksgiving.... Commercials and tv specials focused on Christmas are starting to fill up network time. I did get a small. artifical tree for my study. My sister has one and decorated it in red and gold - she got hers first. I was gonna decorate mine in blue and silver (she and I have always done those colors schemes) but instead, I think I am going to do a Victorian theme....

Work is going pretty well.... It's beginning to be so organized and clean, though there is still a long way to go. I am so excited.

Next Tuesday is our company Christmas dinner and next Wednesday is my friends graduation recital. I can't wait. Oh and this Saturday is my sister's 20th birthday and one of the families I worked with in Ukraine this summer have come over to visit their sponsors. They're in our area for the weekend.

You Know What is Great...?

2004-11-22T01:05:00.000-05:00

Actually feeling cute is great! I just wanted to post that after my last post. It didn't seem as though it would really have fit in there. But yeah, lately I feel cute and pretty great.... God, I just want to draw even closer to You. Feeling cute doesn't matter if I am ugly inside and running from You. You give me my worth and help me become a beautiful person. Even more so, I just want to know You for the sake of knowing You. Thanks.

Wait for Video....

2004-11-22T01:02:00.000-05:00

I wandered back to my bedroom after bumming around all day (I did make it to church) to find "one missed call" on my cell phone. It was one of my guy friends who had been on the men's retreat this weekend. It was so weird not to have him around this weekend. I didn't much like it but I lived. Anyway, he called to see if I wanted to join him and another of our guys friends to watch "National Treasure." I've really wanted to see that movie. The guy and I met for ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery. Pretty good, even though I don't care much for ice cream. Neither does my friend. He got a shake and I got lemon Italian sorbet. After that we went over to the theater and he ended up having to buy both of our tickets cause they don't take credit cards - I felt really bad.... Anyway we went in and our other friend ended up join us.

The movie itself wasn't quite what I was expecting.... I guess I hoped for a little more believability, intrigue, intellect.... I can't quite put my finger on it. It was like Indiana Jones meets the city of Babylon (the treasure)... except that I think I enjoy the Indiana Jones movies more. If you go in without any expectations, you might enjoy it more. It wasn't awful... it just felt as if it was lacking that extra something special. The Incredibles had it.... National Treasure didn't.... Part of me now is a bit leery with Ocean's Twelve and Finding Neverland. I'm hoping for the best but not ready to go in and realize I wish I had waited until it was out on video.

What do I love when I love my God? This was posted on one of my friends sites.... Something else to ponder....

Of Pay Raises and Wish Lists....

2004-11-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well my pay raise came in my check this week. Totally sweet deal! It's not polite to talk about money, though is it...? Making just over a $1000.00 a month compared with just shy of $500.00 is quite a difference. With this pay raise comes a wish list that I will have to be careful not to pursue too quickly and become in debt.... Health insurance and car insurance will be necessary evils. There will also be my cell phone bill. Other then that, there aren't any other major expenses. So here goes my wishlist:

* My own car - probably a used nissan sentra
* A MAC
* A digital camera
* A digital video recorder
* Finally redoing my rooms
* Traveling to New Zealand before the end of the year

I also want to support a child and missionaries.... God give me wisdom in how to spend this money You've blessed me with.... It'd be all too easy to go hog wild with it....

Christianity and Politics....

2004-11-20T21:21:00.000-05:00

My dad is okay now.... I'm still worried, but he won't go to the doctor....

I found this on another's website today.... Made me think. It'll take some time to process.... But yeah, it's got me thinking....

This is also interesting....

On a totally different note, I'm gonna hurt him.... I'm gonna stinkin hurt him.... He doesn't give me anytime to say anything, though he's quick to say hello.... I waited oh over 5 hours for him to get back on. I come back after using the restroom to find that he had just gotten on. I was getting ready to respond when he quickly typed that he was going to see a movie and got off..... Grr.... I miss him.... I hate missing people.... It's so much easier not to....

My Dad....

2004-11-19T01:50:00.000-05:00

It's nearly 2 am and my dad is sitting in our family roomwatching tv complaining of bad indigestion.... I'm really worried about him.... God give me wisdom... I'm scared....

The Lost Kingdom....

2004-11-18T22:47:00.000-05:00

One of the channels is airing a story on Prince Harry and his recent time in Lesotho.... I lived there about three or four years ago for approximately three months. Seeing the footage I saw tonight makes part of me want to go back.... Working full-time now makes it a little hard to even think about it.... Yet I know that if God would want me there, He'll open the door.... I really desire the ability to travel. Not necessarily to stay at anyone one place for an extended period but to be able to see many different places.... I am at least hoping before the end of 2005 to be able to travel to New Zealand.

My Great Day and What Followed....

2004-11-16T22:26:00.000-05:00

Monday was an amazing day.... Sunday night I was foolish enough to go out for a coffee with one of my close girlfriends and forget to make sure it was decaf.... I had three cups. As soon as I got home I was wide awake. Only ended up getting around 3 hours of sleep. Went to work early that morning (7:30) and worked straight through until 7pm. I was suppose to get off at 3 or 4 but the girl that works with me needs some training so I stuck around to start that and try to get stuff together. Taking over this position has been hard but good.

After work, I went to Bible Study which was good. Stayed way too late playing Legretto. I ended up getting home and getting a couple hours of sleep. My guess is the three cups of caffeine mixed with my Zoloft or something causing for this extended super energy kick. I mean yesterday I felt amazing. Though I also credit that to prayers from my friends. Overall it all boils down to God's amazing grace.

Today I woke up with a sore throat which turned into a headache as the day went on - don't ask, it just did. I had to go down to our billing office for an inservice day which was good since I'm taking over at our office. There's so much to get done.... I really have to take things day-by-day and remember to breathe. But yeah going strong for nearly 20 hours caught up with my body today. I came home with a killer headache that I slept off and took some caffeine for.... But I feel it slowly returning which I think is my cue to get to bed. Plus I need to start trying to get to my office by 7am. It'll give me time to think and start my day in peace. However, this means being up by 5am -ouch. That'll take a little getting use to.... Ciao for now.

Environmentalists vs. DVDs?

2004-11-14T16:52:00.000-05:00

According to this article, the next thing on the hit list of the environmentalists could be the disposable DVD.

Belly Butterflies....

2004-11-13T17:14:00.000-05:00

After bumming around my house all day, I was invited to go out with two of my guy friends. We have no clue what we're going to do.... That could be half the fun... or half the annoyance.... Though I doubt that latter....

The thought of going out with the guys is nice.... Kinda like a double date except there's no other girl (atleast not that I'm aware of yet).... So maybe it's more like I'm a two timer.... Laugh. nAh, it's just nice to hang with my guy friends.

Part of me wonders if I should've gone out with my girlfriend and the group of guys she just met.... They're Christian and sound like a fabulous group of guys.... I guess I just can't think about what I might miss out on.... There may always be another time.... Sometimes familiarity is just easier to deal with....

Yeah, this post didn't quite go the way I had intended it to go, but that's okay. Now's not the time. We'll see what the future holds....

Pieces of Me....

2004-11-11T23:53:00.000-05:00

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's a mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have
Ashlee Simspon "Pieces of Me"

I love that song.... It's SO me.

I love...
The thought of going to Barbados
Working with a bunch of pregnant women
Working with newly married women
Writing
Living in a fantasy world
Sunshine
The sun on my face/ body
Smiling
Thai food
Chinese Food
Italian Food
Almost all food
Eating
Chocolate (it's not food it's survival)
Cheese (they go together)
Health food (okay enough with food)
Water
Dancing in the rain
Swimming
Swinging
Singing in my car
Dancing in my bedroom
Dancing with a partner
Having a shoulder to put my head on
Gerber Daisies
Roses
Tulips
Design
Theater
Reading
Wit
Intelligent humor
Starbucks
Long talks with friends
Friends calling me
Long walks
Going out to eat
Watching movies
Talking at work when you should be working (female bonding time)
Being all snuggly with my favorite blanket in bed
My 57 lb "pup" falling asleep on my lap
Bubbles
Snowflakes
The holidays
Mac computers
Organization
Sanity
My new hair do
Shopping with friends
Music
The country
The beach
Making up music videos in my head
Looking at my life like it's a novel or play then sitting back and laughing at the absurdity of it
Photography (when it's for me)
Black and White Photos
Poetry
Games that make you think... and laugh
Have everyone you love close by
Looking at someone and knowing they know
Hope

"Against my better intentions I speak....
This is a crazy world that I weave in my head....
Just say it....
Say that you love me...
that you miss me...
that you want me....
But it isn't to be. And I wake up from that dream."

Strange Events and Pieces of Me....

2004-11-11T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well my brother went back to school today. My mom, after praying and with a peace, allowed my brother instead of being homeschooled to go to public highschool.... She wasn't getting anywhere with him at home adn he didn't want to go take college courses or get his GED and get a job.... We'll see how it goes. I'm not worried and think it might even be good for him.... But again we shall see....

My sister calls me while I'm at work to say that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were at our local mall (bumpkin country USA) shooting a segment for their next installment of whatever show they do. Friends of ours got pictures of them on their cell phone.... I'm just amazed that they came to our town. How bizarre....

And my friend who just had the bad break up.... Well she met someone new and invited me to hang out with them and some of his friends (they're all Christian) this Saturday night. I might just take her up on that. Sometimes you need someone new in your life to help you forget the person you love....

I'm also sinking fast but determined to somehow swim with this new responsibility at work. I dropped classes. Two were a joke anyway, one bored me.... It just wasn't worth it when they're suppose to be fun (they're only art classes and not going towards my degree). Plus I couldn't go for one more month not being at work everyday. No one else knows what I do and there's no time to really train thoroughly, though I am desperately working on a training manual (with frame captures, step-by-steps, etc). God I need Your grace. I don't know how I'm gonna get through, I jsut know I am cause You're here with me. You'll get me through everything I've been through lately....

What is Your Love Language...?

2004-11-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, What's Your Love Language? , is Quality Time--This can be expressed either through those intimate tete-a-tete discussions or via doing things together. It's possible to get a low score in this category because you have a strong preference for one form of Quality Time over another.

My #2 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, What's Your Love Language? , is Acts of Service--You prefer to show your love through favors and chores and doing things for others. You feel put-upon and unappreciated when your efforts are taken for granted.

My #3 was Touch, #4 was Words of Affirmation and #5 was Gifts. Quite interesting and accurate. I think I prefer quality time spent really communicating... but doing things together where you're learning about each other is big too.... Later gators.

Welcome to My Life... The Novel

2004-11-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

If my life was a novel, I'm not even sure what genre it would fall under.... Truth is stranger then fiction.... Just when I think my life can't get any more bizarre, it does.... God really does have a sense of humor.... and He's showering grace down on me, because somehow I'm able to detatch myself and laugh....

God give me Your strength and wisdom right now.... I'm numb and didn't think I'd be getting into this now.... Your will.... I trust You. I have to... and I want to. It's that or go crazy.

Bizarre.... That's one of my favorite words now..... I feel like I'm in a dream.... When do I get to wake up....? Is this really my life...? A little grip on reality would be nice....

Outside of a trip to the Bahamas or Hawaii or some place similar....or even New Zealand, Japan, or Italy... I need to get into something designish or theaterish.... I think my two friends (who are a couple) might be able to help some with that.... I was hanging out with the girl today which was nice. We might start hanging out more regularly which would be fun. I suggested a couple of us (maybe four) go to Barnes and Noble and show each other different books that interested us (subject areas,etc) and then we all have to pick out books from that area and look through them - kind of an interesting way to get to know each other.... She sounded game, so it could be fun....

Another friend is going to start helping me work out and with more money, I'll be able to eat how I want/ need to.... I'll be on the mend soon which I am looking forward to....

The Incredibles

2004-11-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

As a kid did you ever wonder about the lives of super heros? What it would be like if they didn't have their super powers? What would their kids be like if two of them got married? Maybe I didn't necessarily wonder about those things as a kid, but as I got a little older and enjoyed my daily dose of X-Men, I did start to ponder. Well X-Men in someways is a little dark, so if you like something of a slightly lighter fair, The Incredibles would be for you. Humorous, but without continuous belly aching laughter, it leaves you with a satisfied feeling in the end. Unforgettable characters, answers to the above posed questions, and beautiful artistry, The Incredibles comes with my highest recommendation.

Finally....

2004-11-06T16:16:00.000-05:00

I was wondering when blogger would allow me back on. Something about a server being down.... Though in some ways it's really quite a good thing it wasn't working. There's been too much negative stuff that I've wanted to write which would end up biting me in the butt in the end. So thank You, Lord, for those sometimes frustrating, little understood things in our lives.... Though I'm not sure if I classify the male species into that category....

One of my close girlfriends was just dumped by her boyfriend (don't get your hopes up "you know who" it's not "her"). I sit here and cannot write anymore cause it'll turn into a guy bashing fest. Girls are not perfect either but...okay new topic....

Well this is day fourteen of my monthly friend.... Stupid birthcontrol. I'm going Monday to get off this crap and get on a low dose anti-depressant. I'll also have to start a regular exercise program, a more healthy/ organic diet, getting better sleep, and trying to be outside for at least an hour a day.... God it seems SO useless right now.... Thank You that I know it's not.... Blasted feelings.

God could you just bring along some guy that I'd be interested in and he'd actually be interested in me too? I'm not ready for a long term commitment. At this point I don't even want kids and marriage can be quite a ways down the road. I just want someone to hang out with, shop with, sit and watch movies with, go on walks with, and for a little romance.... Yeah I guess my two good girlfriends and a dog can fill those in well except for the romance.... It's just the whole arm around me and shoulder to put my head on deal.... Oh well....

You know God, I don't know if I do know what I want. I'm tired, drained, uninterested, bored, tired, exhausted, drained, stressed, down, exhausted... did I mention exhausted? God, please give me the energy I need to do the things I need to do so that I'm not so tired anymore.... Laugh, that sounds funny. Thanks God. I know You don't want me like this... and yet I know through this I do need to learn to say no to things.... Thanks!

Of all the Strange Things....

2004-11-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

I found this thing on the web today while doing random searches. It's rather humorous.

I Thought it was Over....

2004-11-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

One week ago today, I awoke and after about an hour threw up. The same thing happened today. Now coincidentally it happened after taking my zinc supplement. So I'm pretty sure it's related to the whole birthcontrol thing but I'm also wondering if it has something to do with the zinc supplement as well.... Oh the joys....

I am SO sore from the footballgame yesterday. My whole body is screaming. Plus after throwing up, my stomach feels a little rough. I'm not nauseous, just not normal....

Of Lies and Wonderful Weekends

2004-10-31T22:09:00.000-05:00

My last post was a lie.... It was to hopefully throw off my friend if he had any suspicions about us coming up to visit him and celebrate his birthday with his family. Five of us met in our church's parking lot around 10:30 Saturday morning and traveled up to his sister and brother-in-laws house (of course getting "lost" along the way because we can never just drive up there without some problem). Once there, we proceeded to put together costumes. His brother-in-law was going to send him on a scavenger hunt around the mall while having him come in contact with us to see if he would realize it was us. For the most part it worked out, though not quite as planned....

As I sat down and started to think about what to write, I realized just how self-centered I am and how much I like having the attention on me. Now I wasn't thrilled with the idea of dressing up in the mall (we looked weird), but I was a good sport. It's just not my type of thing. However, I ended up having a blast. Now I hate the store Spencer's, but that's where I was stationed. I built a quick rapor with two of the workers there - with the one asking me if I thought he had sexy legs (oh the strange things in life - for the record I couldn't have cared in the least). The funny thing was I stood very still and people passing by thought I was a manikin. Little kids would come up and stare at me. I would slowly start to move and their eyes would grow wide. I got poked at, stared at, etc. I loved people's reactions when I started to move. It's definitely one of those things I won't soon forget and would love to do again. I like making people smile....

Yeah I really realize just how much I make things about me.... I truly hope our friend had a great weekend. I guess it's just easier to know for sure what you experienced. The only "bad" part was playing football today. I realized I enjoy playing defense if I'm against someone of my own ability/size. However, I get frustrated if I don't know every thing there is to know about something - or at least enough to do it well. Football is Greek to me. Now they tried explaining, but I need to know everything up front, not from play to play.

Also it's just a little backyard game. When someone starts to take it seriously, or really wants to win and starts to get frustrated, it irritates me, and makes me not want to play. I don't care if I'm never thrown the ball.... At least I don't think so. Well I didn't today. I can't do the whole running, watching where you're going and watching the ball at the same time. It just doesn't work. Let me be ready to run into someone, block them, chase them, etc. That I like. But I was also super tired and hungry which makes for one grumpy old me.

My perfect afternoon would have consisted (because of my exhaustion and hunger) of watching them from the window up in the guest room with the warm autumn sun floating into the room along with the gentle, cool breeze. Listening to my friends laughter and shouts would've just been like a comforting hug.... Sometimes I like to participate, other times I like to just soak it all in. I also don't want to be the cause of the guys not having fun....

To return to happier times, another thing I loved was seeing two girls I met while up visiting last time. That was cool. The one girl is my friend's brother's girlfriend. She's cute. She was remarking to her friend this morning that I'm the only girl she knows who'll sit and play video games with the boys and not do too badly. Grant it she hadn't been watching very closely. But I do recall she saw me playing with them the last time I was up. There are times I wish I had grown up with brothers.... But God has definitely blessed me with the several of the best brother's in Christ in the whole world.

Even better, was Saturday night. After a fabulously delicious dinner, we decided to go up and play games. I'm not sure if we did anything first, but we ended up playing Cranium. One of my other friends sat on the couch with me and said we should be a team which I was fine with. We ended up making a pretty good team - we won. I was kind of surprised but really liked that fact. Again I feared looking stupid which held me back sometimes (I've gotta get over it).

It was also just nice to sit together. He's such a close friend that it's no big deal that we sit shoulder to shoulder for an extended period.... Maybe it's somehow wrong, but it's really nice. We sat squished together in the car today and there's something about physical touch. Not in a sexual way but in a comforting way. It's calming and comforting.

This weekend was surreal in a way.... My mother put it accurately when she said it was kind of like being at college. We were all together under the same roof. We ate together and could go to sleep when we wanted and just hung out together. I loved it. I loved being in the guest room with the other girl that came up, talking and listening to the boys talking in the room next door. There's also something to everyone sitting around and eating together and even in piling into one car totally squished in but with everyone okay with it.... This weekend, in many ways, I felt at home.... Sometimes it sucks to go back to reality.

**********************************************************************
thefrogspititup (11:12:07 PM): i'm going to sleep. But you be blessed stay in the Word...keep your eyes on Jesus...He will give you the desires of your heart. Be blessed! God's got awesome plans for you! *smiles*
SonsMelody (11:13:07 PM): thanks i needed to hear that

Christmas is in the Air

2004-10-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

Today I went shopping. I was at first looking for a "late" birthday present for a friend - I even called him up to ask which DVD's he wanted cause I had forgotten. But then as I thought about it, I realized just how close Christmas is. We already celebrated his birthday, so I figure I'll just get one of those DVD's for him for Christmas. But it was also a great time to start getting ideas for other friends too. I spoke with another friend and found out that he wanted "Sister Act II". Maybe I can figure out a way to be less obvious from now on about what I get for people....
Now it'll just be figuring out what to get my family. I'm glad I'm starting now. I don't want to wait until it gets nutty....

I can't wait to curl up tomorrow with a good book. That's my plan as of now. A BIG cup of tea, my first Terry Pratchett book and my snuggly blanket. Oh the joys of house sitting....

A couple friends and I are suppose to get together in a few weeks (not next weekend but hopefully the weekend afterward or so) for drinks since we'll all be legal then (I'm the ancient one I've been waiting for all of them). Olive Garden and one of their Peach Bellini's sound fabulous. I'm also thinking it might be a fun time for all of us to celebrate Christmas since there's no reason for us to get together closer (with all of the craziness of holidays,etc). The past three years we've had the Lord of the Ring trilogy but that ended last year.

Well I think I'm gonna turn in... or start reading my book. Oh the thought of reading all day long. WooHoo!!! Although if I have all the tea I want... man I don't want to visit the bathroom that much. I may have to slightly rethink this.... Ciao.

Busy as a Bee....

2004-10-29T02:04:00.000-04:00

Well the next two weekends won't be very restful.... And I was just beginning to think that housesitting jobs were becoming scarce. Sometimes it's nice to be proven wrong.... I wish it was at one of the houses that has cable, though because I really want my one friend to see What Not to Wear. He so needs to watch it.

After talking with my friend tonight, I am totally craving a trip to Olive Garden.... If being on birth-control is anything like being pregnant, I'm gonna be a load of fun. Nauseous but not throwing up. Not wanting to eat much but then having major cravings. Needing to eat "right then and there" but if eating too much, I start to feel nauseous again. I love being a woman.... A salad, a Peach Bellini, and a pasta dish sound oh so good right now. I'm sure that'll pass like everything else does. Normally what looks good one day, makes me want to vomit the next. Oh the fun....

Tomorrow I'll have to share with you the artist that my teacher introduced me to the other day in class. We totally went off subject, but it was great. She's controversial, so I want to include my own thoughts and notes to show how I was inspired through her though I don't agree with her.

Until then, I bid thee adieu.

To My Dear Friend...

2004-10-27T07:21:00.000-04:00

... HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!

*HUG*

~Me

How Smart Am I...?

2004-10-27T01:50:00.000-04:00

So the other day two of my friends and I sat next to each other, after lunch, in our town's library and got on the internet. I saw that they had taken an IQ test, so I asked where it could be found and then went to take it. Instead of just taking it the whole way through, I figured there had to be some catch to it from their quiet chit chatting (which obviously held no relevance). So I stopped taking it. I then began again just quickly answering every question as true. My score: 104 = middle school graduate. Yeah, sometimes trying to "beat the system" and "assuming" really just shows how dumb you are. I retook the test tonight and ended up with a rating of 138 = highly gifted/ professional.

Life's Little Surprises....

2004-10-22T11:51:00.000-04:00

So two days ago, after my "lovely" trip to the doctor, I sat at home just thinking about how all I really want right now is to make money - forget college, etc. Maybe it's a bad attitude, but I'm tired. I'm one math credit away from graduating. So I need to go talk with my profs and see what I can just get away with to finish out this semester. And for next semester, I need to sit down and see if I can just get into a college level math (on special permission) so I can graduate. That's probably the only class I will take next semester after the events of yesterday....

Yesterday, I arrived at work a little grumpy (I dislike driving to work through town) to everyone asking if I was okay. With my mothers "big mouth" from time to time, I was half surprised my one coworker (a therapist) who primarily works out of the office my mom is at, didn't ask how my pap smear went. So we all chatted for a bit and then the therapist left since she didn't have another patient for 3 more hours.

At that point the aid looked at the other secretary with this look. I was like, "Oh shoot did we say something to offend the therapist?" She just kept staring. I went around to the waiting room to straighten up and finally the other secretary was like, "I'm leaving." So I said, "Okay," thinking it was rather early but not really concerned. She was like, "No, I mean I'm leaving, leaving." "Oh!" She told me she put in her two weeks. That was a shocker but she found a better job for her, so I'm happy for her.

Well with all of this, my boss asked to speak with me last night. He said he wanted to offer me the full-time position. He and the other owner said they, "Know I can do it." He said he'd hold it for me and they'd make it all work until after my semester was over. The timing was incredible. I'd go up from $8.00 an hour to $10+ with benefits, paid vacation, etc. I'd be making around $1,000+ a month. I was blown away. I'm nervous but am pretty sure I'll take it. I'll graduate in the Spring then, hopefully, with my AA in psychology and work full-time at my job till whenever taking one class in the evenings towards whatever it is I decide I want to pursue plus training courses for my current job. I'm really excited about the whole money and benefits deal. YEAH! And he said it'd only go up from there. Wow....

God, Your timing shouldn't amaze me, but it does. Just when I think I can't go on any further.... when the sky looks it's grayest, a ray of light always shines through and I can go on.

Blue...woo hoo woo ooooo....

2004-10-20T21:47:00.000-04:00

It's funny being a psych major and going to your doctor. She started asking me a series of questions today and all of a sudden I was like, "Whoa there, I know why she's asking these...." They're the typical questions you ask to determine if someone is depressed. She said that I sound mildly depressed.... I chuckled and was like, "Yeah well I'm PMSing and starting in on the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder/ seasonal depression) season. Go figure." She wanted to put me on Prozac, but I wasn't thrilled with that idea. So I opted for birth control for now. I just need something to get these horrid mood swings under control.

Well to be able to take birth control, my doctor asked if I had recently had a pap smear performed. I'm like, "Ah no, I'm not sexually active." She said I needed one done. I hate being female. There's just something SO wrong about a pap smear. I'm so glad my doctor's note excused me from school for the rest of the day.

I'm A Spoiled Brat...

2004-10-16T13:44:00.000-04:00

...and loving every minute....

Well my car had to go in the shop supposedly just for the muffler and a possible alignment problem. There were more problems then bargained for, some of which my father knew about and neglected to ever inform me of which ticks me off. The price tag was outrageously more then I intended to pay... but mom says I need transportation until I can afford my own car, so she paid.... I think it was a waste of money, but I'm grateful. I'm also blessed because my car could've went kaput anytime and landed me in another accident or on the side of the road, stranded. I had a feeling something wasn't right. Thank You, Lord for Your mercy.

So I worked a 13 hour and 15 minute day yesterday - no break. I was so beat I wasn't going to go hang out with my friends, but upon finding out my one friend hadn't arrived yet, I called to see where he was, he said he'd meet me at the church so I could ride down with him. I was so grateful. Then while we were there, when the pizza came, and I was given credit for the idea, though we had spoken about it earlier, my other guy friend totally served me my food and drink. It sounds awful but I loved it. It was also fun cause we broke up into two groups to play cards - one was the couples group and one was the singles. The singles seemed to have so much more fun. We were pretty loud and obnoxious but it was great.

I'm so stinkin tired, though. Went straight for 19 hours, slept for 10 and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. It's a gloomy, rainy day and the thought of school work is overwhelming. I don't need a relationship right now, but at the moment (once again) and just for this moment, a shoulder to rest my head on while watching a movie would be nice.... Yeah, when I'm tired, I'm dangerous.

And the Procrastination Begins....

2004-10-11T22:55:00.000-04:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's right. I have sunken back into my loathful state of procrastinating. I have a two page (minimum), single spaced paper due tomorrow morning at 9:35am on one of the most boring assigned readings to date.... All I want to do is sit and look through magazines for pictures for Interior Design. I don't even really want to photograph.... Well that's not totally true.... But why do I get like this? Is it rebellion or burn out? Well I guess I should really get on it.... Sigh. Oh well.... Well that is after I look up a few interior design related web sites. Groan, when will I ever become disciplined...? Sigh, maybe next semester *grin*.

Monday, Monday... Can't Trust that Day...

2004-10-11T08:40:00.000-04:00

Monday, Monday... Can't Trust that Day...

Wow... it's Monday again, though I guess that's happened every week this time since the beginning of time or well since we began keeping track of time this way....

We had a girls night last night which was fun. The girl I went to Starbucks with the other night had myself and another girl over to spend the night. We got Chinese food - always the best - I am totally craving it now - and rented 13 Going On 30. It's the second time I've seen it - their first. It's definitely one of my favorite movies. I love the character, Jenna. I think she's kinda who I want to be....

It was funny, last night at the Chinese resturant, we were chilling and eating and enjoying ourselves. The waitress brought our check and three fortune cookies. Well the one girl, before we could protest, grabbed the check and ran up to "treat." I laughed and commented to our other friend, "Well, that's one way to do it without objection." She rejoined us, we know better then to argue, and we dove into our fortune cookies. Both of them got to them before I did. I took the last one and had a giggle thinking, "Okay this is for a reason." I'm so bizarre.

Well, they both openned their's, and then I openned mine and nearly died. They both had what I term typical weird ones that you're just like, "Um okay." Mine stated the following, to which they joined in with me laughing: "There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon." Yes, I know, I don't put a lot of stock into fortune cookies, actually none at all... at the same time, I know God has a sense of humor... (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, Right God? *grin*). Actually though, I'm beginning to slide back into my level headedness after theh wedding. It still would be nice for a little romance (and we were all huge goobers after watching the movie) but it's not a big deal. All in God's timing. That's the best!

Well, it's going on 9 am, and I need breakfast and to get going on some projects. Ciao.

These Are The Moments....

2004-10-10T15:00:00.000-04:00

These Are the Moments....

It was fun to sit in the new Starbucks with my friend. I had my usual chai latte and a molasses cookie. We talked until they closed at the unreasonably early time of 9pm. Then we headed over to our church to sit and talk some more.

While we were sitting and chatting in our church's library, one of our other pair of friends (a couple) stopped in to say hey. The topic then turned to our newly married friends.... "So what do you think they're doing right now?" - me "I just want to call over there so badly." - my friend's boyfriend. Then we all got to talking about how it'd be funny to call the park rangers and be like "Hey they're suppose to be on their honey moon and I just stopped by and there are some funny noises coming from inside. I didn't want to go in, but thought I should call and ask you stop in and check on the house." Of course we didn't do any of those things.... But now I fear for the time when I get married.... No one will know where we're spending the first night....

During this time, our other friend called the girl I went to Starbucks with on her cell phone to see if they could all get together to play legretto. So she, our three other friends (not including the couple that stopped in to chat, they went home) and myself all went over to her house to play cards. What a crazy night. We don't need alcohol or drugs to have fun, though I'm sure if someone secretly video taped us, they might think we were on something.... Gotta love friends....

Oh, before I finish, it was decided unanimously that you should move back down here.... You really don't have much of a choice ;o)

Just another day in paradise...

2004-10-09T18:45:00.000-04:00

Just Another Day in Paradise....

Well I guess I'm glad that's not exactly true. This is definitely not paradise and I look forward to the day I'm there, but I wander from the point. One of my oldest, dearest friends (who is like a brother to me) got married today.... I can't beleive I even jsut wrote those words. They sound so foreign... so strange.... One of my other friends was like, "They're always together, no big deal it was like they were already married...." Um, in his own words "whatever." No, it's not. He's "all grown up" now... well as much as he can be.... In my circle of friends, he's "the first to go." I didn't bawl my eyes out, but I certainly got choked up when he walked to the front of the area in the park where they were getting married. I giggled when they kissed and wanted to whoop and holler also but from the atmosphere found it wasn't the approrpiate time (why are weddings so solemn...I mean I understand but come on, live a little).... I also choked up when his wife danced with her father.... "His wife"...

It sucked that our one friend wasn't there.... Several others were dissapointed as well. It would've been fun to all be able to hang out tonight and reminisce, drink, catch a movie, etc.... I miss him SO much. Though I guess it was good he wasn't there. A.) I didn't need another guy at the table I was at who wouldn't dance with me - I need new guy friends who actually dance (my selfishness). But B.) He'd have to put up with sappy ole me. Please come down soon....

But man oh man did I look good today. Of course there was no body there worth impressing ;-) - of course. But it's nice to feel that you look great. It was nice hearing it too... but it always seems to come from older woman or my married guy friends. I love it when my guy friends aren't being dense and notice how I look and make a comment - even if they aren't being totally serious. I know from tiem to time I make comments like, "Hey hot stuff," or "Hey handsome," or "Hey good lookin'".

I have come away after these last three weddings with a desire to ahve a really awesome wedding.... Don't get me wrong, all three weddings were nice, but they aren't me (well duh since they were other peoples). I want' something that is geared more towards us and our friends. Yes family is important and I want them there... but I am partying with my friends - it's the first big bash we are throwing as a couple. I want a short ceremony with non traditional music adn I'm half tempted to not wear a white dress.... White makes me look pale.... I want lots of good music and dancing.... No body really danced at any of the weddings.... I want everyone or well at least a good portion of people up and having fun.

Well I am going to go meet a friend for a drink over at Starbucks.... Wish you (you know who)were here. Ciao.

A Little Note on My Life

2004-10-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

A Little Note on My Life

I'm sitting in class waiting for it to start back up. we started late today because the taecher was late - left a note. Of course I didn't haev to rush to class.... I wasn't bad - actually less stressed than normal but still rather in a bit of a hurry.... I am amazingly getting better, though, I think/ hope.

It's amazing how things work out. God reminds me so often how much He loves me. I wake up this morning having totally procrastinated. I have two pretty big projects due tomorrow and no time to do them today.... Wel I didn't until work called and said I could come in late because we don't have any patients scheduled til later on. And it sounds like it should be an early night too - how fab is hat.

Oh.... Maybe part of it too is a huge lesson in grace. I'm so quick to jump down peoples throats or judge them when they've messed up - depending on who it is and the circumstances. But look at this. Not that it always happens this way, but God has totally provided me a helping of grace today in the area of huge procrastination - now I just need to be a faithful steward....

Back to class.... ciao.

As Time Goes By....

2004-10-03T23:39:00.000-04:00

As Time Goes By...

Time goes by, you grow older by the day
you go from playmates,
to school friends,
to highscool buds,
to college pals,
to getting ready to watch one walk down the isle and say "I do...."
And things will never quite be the same again....

He gets married this Saturday.... That to me is so strange. The "boy" who at 21 has a "real" job and is less then a week away at becoming a "married man" is the same "boy" who sat behind me in church this morning at our downstairs overflow service and rocked my chair back and forth, blew on my hair and stuck dirty tissues in my braids. My other friend said it's just cause he's nervous.... Lucky me....

I came home after church today and did have a brief cry.... It's just so strange.... Good but strange. I know a little of how my other friend (he) felt two weeks ago when another of our long time friends (she) got married, though the circumstances of her wedding were slightly different. I put my head on his shoulder this morning and told him I wanted to cry. He said something about not now, save it for later.... In someways what I at least think I want/ need right now is a shoulder to rest my head on/ bury my face in and an arm to go around my should or waist.... Then again the whole relationship (guy/girl) thing scares me to death.

I just had to take a break and sit with my sister and cry. She let me cry on her shoulder.... My friend getting married is like if/when my sister or brother will get married. I am truly happy for them but it's just.... I don't know. A little part of me is sad.... We're growing up. Life is changing. It's not bad... just different (though sometimes it does suck). It's like taking your old booties, drawings, favorite blanky or teddy bear and packing them away because you've outgrown them. They're still cherished memories but not apart of your everyday life.... It's time to move onto the "grown-up" way of life.... To make new memories.... Here's to stepping out onto another new path in life while storing up precious old memories....

God, I hate being here again, but I'll be honest. I thought I was happy being single...and I think maybe I could go back to it.... And I guess not that I'm not.... But right now it sucks being single. I have to fight not to fall into the "What's wrong with me that no guy takes a second look at me" pity party. I know all about patience, timing, etc.... I've heard it all. I've spouted it off. I'm just here, at this point in time, knowing it all, wanting to live it out and yet the reality is I'm also lonely... wanting what so many others around me now have... that special someone. I know waiting is good. I want the best.... I am willing to wait... I just kinda wish I didn't have to.

Aaachoo....

2004-09-21T08:49:00.000-04:00

Aachoo...

Sorry about that, I'm a little under the weather at the moment.... And so it seems that nearly every other person I know either is, has been, or (hee hee) will be (no that is not quite a threat ;-) ).

I actually had this feeling I should check my e-mail before I headed off to class this morning, and low and behold there was an e-mail saying that my teacher was sick and class was cancelled - woo hoo! So now I get to stay here, rest and do the work that's do tomorrow. Ciao.

Lessons Learned....

2004-09-11T19:57:00.000-04:00

Lessons Learned...

You know that old saying about assuming...? Well it's true. That's all I'll say on that matter....

Keeping one's mouth closed really does make one seem intelligent.... And when you speak on a subject that you think you know about but don't really, talking can actually prove how little you know and how foolish you are.... Been there done that today.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."-Mark Twain

And So Begins This Semester....

2004-09-08T23:35:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel strangely enough like you're at home when you're not...? That's kind of the feeling this semester has started with.

Normally, I have felt some what like the ugly duckling within the art students - not quite fitting in.... But I have to say the hall dedicated to the arts is my favorite hall on the whole campus. When my prof remarked this morning that I looked familiar I told that to him.... He smiled understandingly. My profs this year, so far, are encouragaing me to not feel so much like an ugly duckling....

Two of my four classes down, two to go... but those I won't get to experience until next week. One due to the way the college scheduled it's openning and the other due to a transformer blowing today... also why I can't access my school e-mail account right now.... I don't have classes again until Monday evening.

So here's how the semeter looks:
Mondays 6-9:50 Photography II
Tuesdays 9:35-12:25 Intro Digital Media
Wednesday 8:00-11:50 2-D Design, 12:45-4:35 Interior Design, 7:00-9:30 Russian
Work 2:30-8 Tues, Thurs and Fri

So far I like my 2-D prof best.... Just like my Digital Media prof, they prefer us to use their first name as opposed to prof. or Mr. They're more concerned with us developing relationships and learning then merely striving for grades.

My first project is to produce 3 11"x11" "drawings" using merely vertical and horizontal lines. I'm actually kinda psyched.

My 2-D prof is 35, married with one kid and one on the way, is an excellent artist, really into film/ video, and is in a band.... He's done some other stuff - too much to put here....

My Dig Med prof told me Tues that he'd be a good guy to talk to with my budding interest in video editing, etc., not knowing he'd be my prof. Originally he wasn't suppose to. This other woman was suppose to teach the 2-D class but through some "error of the colleges" as he described it this morning, he is teaching our class. Alrighty God. Our paths have crossed for a reason. Maybe it's not why I think... but I'm excited.

It's Definitely the Little Things in Life...

2004-09-06T01:11:00.000-04:00

It's Definitely the Little Things in Life....

A week or so back, after a really crappy weekend of major procrastination blowing up in my face along with a huge helping of technical difficulties out the wazoo, I was ready for everything to go into a permanent holding pattern... but I knew that things were coming up full speed ahead regardless. With this in mind, I almost backed out of a trip to one of the bigger malls in our area with my mom. It's one of the only malls I know of that has an Apple store. Oh how sweet it was.

Now is it okay for a girl to drool in a store like that? After working with the system I worked with to do the editing for our Ukraine footage, the Mac I looked at was like a breath of fresh air. The thing is sweet and gorgeous! It's clean cut, simple to use and it's programs are well integrated. It would so be worth evey penny for the heartache and headache it would save. But there are lots of goodies I really want to go with it too.... We shall see.

What also made that day great, was grabbing some excellent Thai food afterwards. I forget what each dish was called, but my mom and I each got two items each and we split them. I also got Thai ice tea. It was so refreshing. And while we were sitting there eating, "You Can Call Me Al" came on the over head radio. The sun was shining too. A day couldn't get much better then that. My mom, dad and I might go tomorrow - woo hoo. Sharper Image and Apple stores here we come....

The one thing holding me back from purchasing the Mac and other goodies (outside of money) right now is my desire to return to Ukraine.... Which leads me to my latest blessing. Tonight after hanging out with my friends, I got home and decided to check my e-mail. Out of the blue there was a letter from one of our interpreters. We had been writing back and forth, but I had gotten quite busy and hadn't written in awhile so he inititated, which is so sweet. He just shared about his life which was cool.... I miss everyone so much...!

In reading his letter and talking tonight with my friend who lived in Morocco, I really desire to learn a language and to work in some capacity as a translator at least for some amount of time. That to me would be awesome. We'll see what God has in store....

I think I have come to a place where I am okay with being single. I really don't have time in my life right now for a significant other - I have to fight to make time for friends as it is (which needs to be worked out a bit more). I had a great dinner out with one of my guy friends the other night which I couldn't do if I was dating. The only reason I could see it being nice to have a guy around right now (outside of having an arm around me and a shoulder for my head to rest on) would be to do ministry together. But again I barely have time for my friends, family and myself. I don't want to be up all hours of the night and on the phone for long periods of time. I'm also witnessing too many problems in other relationships to really desire my own. For now, singleness is quite fine with me - I'm too selfish....

At the same time, in talking with my friend tonight, I realized a few more things about what I think I desire in a future spouse (though I'm kinda to the point where if I stay single, it'll be fine because there's too much I want to do). After the guy having a strong, deep, growing relationship with the Lord, it would be great if he liked to travel and had a desire to visit Ukraine. Being good with kids and youth is also a plus. Enjoying card games, board games, hikes, swimming/water, music, editing video and photos, working with his hands, playing guitar.... Posessing a sense of adventure, playfulness and good sense of humor is a plus. Driving a truck and being on the short side would be good too. Enjoying good food, being willing to dance, horse back ride, shop and overall try new things at least once is also desirable.... Someone calming and steady but who can help me not be too serious too.... Does a man like that exist?

Wow.... I know feelings aren't everything, but honestly, I feel about as awesome as I did the other day after drooling over the Mac and having had the great Thai food.... Thanks Jesus!

Victory!

2004-08-21T17:21:00.000-04:00

Victory!

And I'm not talking about for USA's Olympic team. This victory is in reference to getting one of my two computers back up and running. After reloading needed/ lost items and the much needed anti-virus program, I am off to begin work on the footage from Ukraine that we will present to our church. I hope that will go well. Ciao.

These Are the Times...

2004-08-16T11:30:00.000-04:00

These Are the Times...

"Cause these are the days worth living

These are the years we're given

And these are the moments

These are the times

Let's make the best out of our lives..."

~ Our Lives by: The Calling

Well the people I just finished housesitting for actually got caught in hurricane Charley. They passed the night in a closet. It was kinda like a weird dream to have them call me asking me to pray and to call and ask others to be praying as well.... There was more surrealness then fear. I think God just somehow allowed me to have a peace about it all.... They arrived back home safe and sound yesterday.

While they were gone, a friend of one of their daughters had been on holiday in Canada and decided to come down for a visit. She's from Scotland. So we spent approximately three days hanging out. That was cool. She has the best accent!

This morning I went into work at 9 for training on a new program. I am going to be running our video recording and computer editing for a program my boss wants to pursue more: sports metrics. It's really quite fascinating. His son taught me what I needed to know - piece of cake. It was funny cause he said it was easier to teach me than his dad.... I won't let my boss know - laugh. Now my job is to figure out how to cut down the conversion time of the files I have to create and edit. That shouldn't be too difficult at all.

Tomorrow I look into editing the footage from our trip to Ukraine. I can't wait for that. I have really enjoyed editing and technical stuff that I have done so far. So we'll see where this all leads to. Anyway I should get going. Ciao.

I'm Not Sure What to Title This....

2004-08-08T23:41:00.000-04:00

I'm Not Sure What to Entitle This....

I finished up the other housesitting job and have moved on to my second and last one for awhile. This one entails three dogs, two turtles, a fish and a pool.... And in all honesty it's a lot smoother than the one dog. It's so peaceful here. I spent the afternoon in the pool, even though it was a littel too cool, laying on one of the plastic floating lounge chairs. Of course I'm a little sunburnt now, but it's all good. It was a nice way to head into a rather strange evening....

It was fun hanging out with my friends though the whole time was kind of strange.... We sat outside watching our junior high with a few senior highers playing a basketball tournament on our lower level church parking lot.

I was bothered and yet not.... I feel at home and yet I don't.... Part of me is ready to go.... Or maybe I am misreading this feeling.... One thing I realized was that there is something that bothered me greatly but not for the obvious reason.... How can one feel like this? Kind fo sick-to-my-stomach and yet.... Hmmm maybe in some odd way it's just the confirmation I needed.... Part of me wants to cry and yet it seems like there's no need to....

Jesus, thank You for the oppotruntiy to sing at church with the band today.... It was totally out of my comfort zone, and yet You started teaching/ reminding me of so much while I was up there.... Then while lying in the pool dozing in the sun, You spoke to my heart on different things after the meeting we had to critique and praise the trip from a leadership perspective today.... It's funny cause the weaknesses brought up for me were not a surprise yet there is something in actually hearing it.... Kind of like the whole thing with people needing to not just see that they're loved but to actually hear it.... Words are so powerful....

So Lord, how can I get my eyes off of myself and truly bless others with pure motives...? And how can I be more positive...? And teach me how to have fun.... And in all of this, if I am just reacting in fear wanting to please others more than You, show me that too. Thanks *hug* Help me not to be so cynical.... Your nature is love. I want that to be my nature too. I want to be like You!

What Month Is It...?

2004-08-06T11:40:00.000-04:00

What Month Is It...?

The temps dipped down last night which was such a pleasant treat. It honestly felt more like October then August.... Now whether it was from that or my late night treat of butterscotch pudding, I'm not quite sure, all I know is I had a really strange dream. Actually two separate dreams the type of which I think I have had before.... They were kinda creepy.... So now I have this icky feeling that I need to shake. So I think I'll get off of here, go spend some time with God and then make some brunch. Ciao.